The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin | Sarah Palin's innermost thoughts, feelings, and made up words

That's right, I still got it!

I'm still the most powerful of them all.

The news media is all abuzz with the way I endorsed a candidate, and he won! I tapped Ted Cruz on the shoulder with my magic wand, and wouldn't you know it? He's a senator now! Well okay not technically, not until the actual election day. But his poll numbers soared, and he got a gosh-darned "flood of donations."

In this great country of ours, I am proud to be a puppet-master. It's a long tradition of manipulating politics from behind the scenes, or I guess in front of the scenes, since I'm on television and everything. But I get all the fun and control of having power, without any of the responsibility! I just point my finger and the seas part, just like that Disney movie with Mickey ensorcering stuff. Pow! Bam! Crash! Brooms, do my bidding! (None of that nonsense with the dancing hippos, mind you.)

It's a rush!

Cruz is Hispanic, too. Did you notice that? A lot of people think the Tea Party is just for white people. But that's not true. I am married to a straight up 100% Alaska Native. I'm not racist. And have you seen the statistics lately? The Hispanic vote is crucial!

As one of God's children, I feel it's my duty to carry out His will on Earth. And obviously His will is that Tea Party candidates should sweep the polls. I mean, geez, do you even have to ask? And anything I can do to assist that, I will. It's God's way!

(How do I know it's God's way? Because I said so, that's why. I'm going to keep using His name to muster the troops and name-drop Him at every opportunity until He personally comes down and tells me to knock it off or whatever. If He's going to keep quiet, then I'm taking that as a sign I'm doing His will.

Convenient, right? Well let me tell you, the religious Right has a lot of power in America, and I intend to harness that power. Amen! City on the hill! Dog whistle! Constitution! Amen! Amen! Amen!)

And after those designated Tea Party candidates are appointed by me, I mean endorsed by me and then elected to office, who do you think they will be turning to for leadership? A cowardly liberal Democrat who ate dog meat when he was a kid? A MORMON?

No: they will be looking to me. And I will lead them, you betcha. And with their support, who knows what 2016 will bring, hmm?

If I Wanted America To Fail, I Wouldn't Appoint Me Energy Secretary

And I wouldn't let little kids do dangerous, unpaid farm work!

That's right, I'm back at it! Energy - and by "energy" I mean "oil" I mean obviously, what other useful kind is there? - energy energy ENERGY. It's what makes the world go round. And like this video says, the people who want us to use less oil WANT AMERICA TO FAIL.

That's the whole deal. It is literally us versus them. America versus the liberals. The liberals want America to fail because… well I don't really know why. I think it's because they're Communists. Or maybe just evil. Let me get back to you on that one.

The other thing I would do if I wanted America to fail is, I would push intrusive child labor laws into the family. THE FAMILY. The heart of America, literally the heart of it! Where the mama grizzlies make grilled cheese sandwiches FOR THE FAMILY. And now guess what? The Obama administration - the America-haters- they want to ban kids from helping out their family farms. Struggling family farms, in the heartland of America, and the Labor Department is stepping in saying NO.

This proposal would prevent kids from doing dangerous, difficult jobs on their family farms where they have served as free manual labor for hundreds of years.

If little kids can't fork hay from a high, unprotected hay loft, or shovel grain in a dangerous grain silo, or operate a limb-crushing combine at five o'clock in the morning before they trudge off to school, then what will become of America? We need to allow our kids to work on their family farms! I mean, heck, it's not like they're getting paid! How is it child labor if they aren't getting paid?

Granted, the law already says that a kid under 18 couldn't go to someone else's farm and do that dangerous stuff, because it's dangerous, and child labor laws are pretty strict about that sort of thing. Just another example of the "nanny state" intruding into the lives of the American family. And if the family wants to run a sweatshop, or make their eight year olds round up cattle on ATVs while not wearing helmets, then who are we to say no?

I made my bones on a fishing boat. I know hard work. Sure it was a long time ago, and you wouldn't catch me dead out there today. MAMA GRIZZLY'S MANICURE IS VERY EXPENSIVE.

Stupid Hippies!

God wants us to drill! Who are you to ignore God like that?

And their stupid hippie Earth Day holiday! Those "EcoLiberals" want you to believe that using less oil is the path to a better world. But this overlooks the fact that we have a God-given right to drive our cars and trucks and airplanes and shipping containers all over the world as much as we want, forever. Energy dependence is only going to happen if we start tapping the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge and turn that big empty space into our own private ATM that spits oil instead of cash!

Solar. I refuse to even discuss it. If I'm going to be Secretary of Energy - and I'm pretty sure that I am - I will ignore that word so hard, your dang head will spin! Solar power is a foolish thing for fools. Can you solar power an SUV?

Wait, you can, with batteries? Well, whatever, who cares.

Solar power is stupid! Because I said so, that's why! I don't care if it's a clean and infinitely renewable resource that is going largely wasted on our planet right now. It won't make a buck for Alaska, and it isn't good for my "mama grizzly" image, so I'm ignoring it.

You think a grizzly bear would use solar power? Sipping its tea with its pinkie in the air? NO. A grizzly bear would drill for oil! Rawr!

I'm particularly proud of calling the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge a "vast, remote, desolate, frozen area." Sounds inviting, doesn't it? Who cares if tundra is one of the most delicate ecosystems in the world, or if ANWR is the last chunk of unspoiled wilderness in Alaska, the final stand for the Porcupine caribou herd. That's just a load of hippie talk! You can't vacation there, there's no Bambi, it's not pretty like one 'a them Thomas Kinkade paintings. I say we smash it!

God put all that oil under there for us to use. The way He put everything on this planet for us to use. What kind of person would ignore God's gift like that? Only someone who hates God - like one of those stupid hippie atheists - would not want to drill in ANWR.

I don't care about the studies that say there's only "between .4 and 1.2 percent of the total world's consumption" in a year of oil in ANWR. I'm telling you: drilling there would give us the independence we finally crave! For a few months until the oil ran out, anyway. Then we'd just dump all our crap there and move on. IT'S WHAT GOD WANTS.

Chortle!

Three slam dunks and a new look on Greta Van Susteren's show

I had a blast talking with Greta Van Susteren the other night. You know how I love it when life hands me a slam dunk, and in this case, I got two! No, wait: three.

Slam Dunk #1: the Secret Service scandal. I'm pretty stoked about it, because it makes the Obama administration look really bad. I don't really care about what it means for the country. It's not my problem. It's awesome when Obama takes a pratfall like that, though!

We conservatives are the only ones fit to rule this nation. We're the only ones who care. That's why we're so happy to find the Secret Service embroiled in a prostitution scandal. I know it's complicated. Follow along.

Slam Dunk #2: the guy in charge of the whole thing was also a creeper who was assigned to my detail when I was running for VP. Someone took these pictures of him where he's looking at me with a weirdo pervy expression on his face, and he posted them to his Facebook account talking about how he was checking me out. Really disturbing stuff!

I mean, I don't care about what he did. Whatever. Creepers gonna creep. But I love that everyone is tut tutting on my behalf! Score one for Sarah!

Slam Dunk #3: did you hear that Obama ate dog meat when he was a kid in Indonesia? If you didn't, don't worry; I will personally remind you of that fact every time I speak for the next fifty years. So much for the Left being mad about that "dog on the car" thing, amirite? Your guy ate dog meat! DOG MEAT. Like some kind of, you know, FOREIGNER.

And finally, I debuted one of the new looks I have been working on. Pink - crazy, right? It's so demure, almost matronly, that dusty rose pink. I thought it was quite becoming. Not really my usual thing, you know how I love those 80s "power suit" colors like red and black and navy blue. But more, you know. Girlish. More suited for talking about delicate issues and playing the victim to a brutish man like that terrible Secret Service agent.

My handlers thought the giant gaudy necklace was the perfect accompaniment to the gauzy pink wrap. I thought I heard Bristol mutter something about "straight outta Golden Girls," but when I looked over, she was back on her phone texting away. Maybe it was just my imagination.

Still Stumping For Energy Secretary

Solar power is some kind of liberal hippie conspiracy, and we all know it.

Did you see my last Facebook post? Dang, my ghost writer is on fire these days! It made me a little bit sorry that I pay by the word, but I gotta hand it to 'em, that stuff is gold! I mean, I think so. I'll be honest with you, my eyes kind of glazed over after a few sentences. Someone give me the executive summary. I am an executive, and I demand a summary! That is how it works!

I have been clever, oh so clever, about not giving up my presidential nomination. You don't want to give it up too soon, you know. It's a special flower. You only get one, kids. Use it wisely! (Did I use mine on Todd in high school, or on that black basketball player? I'll never te-ell!) (Oh lord, now I can't stop thinking about, you know, with the wine coolers and the drunken black-out and the question about where's the line with date rape. Let's change the subject. I'm depressed now.)

Anyway! Look, here's me, coming out swingin'. I know ol' Gingrich is on the ropes. He's probably not gonna make it. Too bad, because he hinted that he might make me Energy Secretary. But I'm still out there stumping for that job, regardless of who wins. I don't really care. I just want to be VP. (Heck, I might even be Obama's VP if he asked me.) (No I wouldn't. I'm just kidding.) (I'm not really kidding.) (LOL!)

My policy on energy is, we need more of it. And I don't give a rat's patootie about that free energy that literally falls from the skies for free every day. Solar power is some kind of liberal hippie conspiracy, and we all know it. The only REAL energy, real AMERICAN energy, comes from oil and lots of it! Frack! Drill! Plow that tundra like it smacked your mama! Let's get out there and suck this planet dry. It's our freakin' duty!

And a special note to whoever wins the Republican primaries: call me! You know I was always going to back you! You've been my favorite all along. I just didn't want to say. But now that you have won, I am your biggest fan! And look how polished I am these days… I even lost the big poofy hair recently. It's looking sleek and smart and downright vice-presidential… JUST LIKE ME.

Hoppy Easter!

Even if I was, say, tired of constantly spouting all of this Jesus stuff, you'd never catch me saying so.

Get it? I said "hoppy" instead of "happy"! It's a pun! But seriously people, Easter is about Jesus, and about forgiveness. Jesus would want us to forgive our enemies, wouldn't he? And it's true, I forgive all of my enemies. You know what they say: hate the sin, love the sinner. And a thousand other things that get cross stitched on pretty little samplers and hung up in living rooms across America, the REAL America, the heartland.

I love all the sinners. And I forgive everyone who has sinned against me. I really do. I haven't FORGOTTEN what they said, mind you. And I do everything in my power to impede their progress. I mean really, once you get on my bad side, there's no coming back from that. It's a one way flippin' trip, or at least it is so far.

I guess theoretically you could abase yourself to me, come crawling to my doorstep and renouncing all of your past misdeeds and proclaiming your love of Jesus and me to the heavens. That might do it. I don't know, it's kind of abstract, no one ever has.

So for all intensive purposes, it's a one way trip. Me forgiving you but not forgetting. Oh no, I never forget. I hold those slings and arrows close to my heart, believe you me.

(Speaking of slings and arrows, have you seen this Hunger Games movie? I don't get why everyone's making such a fuss about it, when I'm right here! A tough, outspoken gal trying to bring down a corrupt system from within. That's me! HELLO. I think that little missy Suzanne Collins owes me some royalties. Make a note of it.)

But Jesus said to forgive, and he came back from the dead that's how important it was, so I forgive. How could I not? The evangelical Christians are my core audience. Even if I was, say, tired of constantly spouting all of this Jesus stuff, folding my hands together and raising my eyes up to heaven and murmuring sweet nothings about the Lord, you'd never catch me saying so. If I, just for example, had to grit my teeth every time I went down on my knees to pray - because you all know, Sarah Palin kneels before no one - I definitely wouldn't say a peep about it.

The Faithful are about all I've got left, frankly. And I know which side my bread is buttered on. You'd better flippin' believe it!

I Infiltrated The Today Show!

And there weren't any "gotcha questions" (like "what newspapers do you read regularly")

Have you heard all the accolades that have been showered down on me after my triumphant infiltration of The Today Show? People are just amazed at what a great job I did! Being so sharp and concisive and - if I may say so myself - the prettiest one on the stage. Certainly the best dressed. You would never catch me wearing a skirt when I know they're going to make you sit on a bunch of dang stools.

And if you don't think that's uncomfortable, you are just flippin' wrong about that. Have you ever tried to sit with your legs crossed on a stool and look pretty? It only works if you're wearing a nice pair of dark slacks, and of course if you're fit and trim like me. (Even though I do eat dessert sometimes, hello Michelle Obama, call me, you evil witch, I'll set you straight!)

I was on point, and on the defense, and I think I did an awesome job. Some people made fun of me for insisting that what Oprah Winfrey's network needs is more conservatives who love America and the Constitution. BUT IT'S TRUE. Now don't get me wrong, Oprah is a good God-fearing woman. But she's also Obama's biggest fan, so what does that tell ya, right? It tells ya she hates this country. Because that's how it works. Either you're a conservative or you hate this country. Just ask me, I'll tell you all about it!

Okay, a lot of it was really boring. There were a lot of times when people were just talking and talking, and they weren't talking about me (unflippinbelievable!) so I just tuned them out. It's a skill. I have the best poker face from all those boring political meetings, no one can tell when I have checked out! I'll be thinking about my Blackberry, wondering what's on TV tonight, and other people just ramble on.

And there weren't any "gotcha questions" (like "what newspapers do you read regularly") this time, either! Those liberal cowards, I know they wanted to ask me some rude questions, but amazingly enough they didn't. They just acted polite and interesting, and all the while trying to plot for the overthrow of this God-given nation.

You can tell I was the best, because I had the biggest flag pin! Heck, I had the ONLY flag pin. And what does that tell ya, hmmmmmmMMMMM? That's right. Those commies! I'm lucky I escaped with my life.

Yep, We're Clinging!

Clinging to the AWESOME

You really have to feel sorry for Judeo-Christians in America. We are a persecuted minority, comprising only 80% of the population. (That's not including Muslims or Buddhists or whatever… those guys are their own dang thing. It doesn't count.) Bullied, pushed around, and constantly having our beliefs ridiculed and plus there's the flippin' War on Christmas, you know how it is!

That's why I wanted to publicize the War on Easter. Did you know the Obama White House has renamed it the "Spring Egg Hunt"? They took out any reference to Easter. Why? Because they hate Jesus, that's why! Obviously. I know they SAY it's because of the "separation of Church and State," and because they don't want to offend non-Catholics BLAH BLAH BLAH it's all just the same old stuff from Barack HUSSEIN Obama, you feel me? Yeah you do.

(Okay, they didn't actually rename it the "Spring Egg Hunt." It's actually still called an "Easter Egg Hunt." But whatever. Don't bother me with your niggling little details!)

It's an outright war on religious liberty, that's what I call it. Renaming things, taking down Christmas trees, whatever! WAR. ON. RELIGIOUS. LIBERTY. And you know what they say about war: don't retreat, reload! Fiery rhetoric! Rah rah rah!

So I managed to jam a reference to a book into this Easter-related Facebook post I (I mean my ghostwriter) wrote, it didn't make much sense, but that's okay. It's still timely, that's the important thing. No I didn't include a link to the dang book. What am I, some kind of nerd? Let the bozos find it on their own. I mean "dedicated fans," not "bozos."

And what's so wrong about still having these holiday celebrations, but dropping the Jesus talk? Who cares if it's a "Christmas Card" or a "Holiday Card"? I do, that's who!

I know it seems a little two-faced for me to insist that people stop using "the R word," but then turn around and be outraged when they take Jesus out of Christmas. But I don't care.

Granted, we can all still celebrate our religious beliefs and holidays in our own homes and in public and everything. But for how long? I'm telling you, it's just a slippery slope from renaming it a "Spring Egg Hunt" (which they haven't actually done) to jackbooted thugs breaking down your doors on Easter morning and stealing all the Peeps.

(BTW OMG how good are Peeps, seriously??? SO GOOD.)

Media Matters: Evil Meanies!

How dare they use my own words against me?

I want to talk about the Rush Limbaugh thing, because it's actually about my thing. Just like so many things, it all comes back to me!

On my Facebook page today I linked to a fiery American Spectator article about how Media Matters is out to get Rush Limbaugh. All I said was "My my my," but I know my supporters know that what I mean by that is, "DUH. I said it first!" But I didn't want to get too insulting, because severely right-wing nut jobs are kind of my bread and butter, you know? Don't bite the hand that feeds you your bread and butter, is what I'm saying.

In his article, Jeffrey Lord exposes the Media Matters evil agenda for what it is: an agenda that is evil. What they do is, they go around to Rush Limbaugh's sponsors and they say "Did you know that your product was advertised during an hour of radio in which Rush Limbaugh said X?" And then - GET THIS - they QUOTE Rush Limbaugh!

Can you think of anything more hateful than quoting Rush Limbaugh's words against him? I can! Quoting MY words against ME! Because those big old meanies at Media Matters have been doing that to me all along. Pointing out the things that I say.

HOW DARE THEY.

I am a woman, and they attack me, therefore they must hate women. That's how it works, obviously. You heard it here first: Media Matters is a bunch of misogynists. (Are a bunch of misogynists? It's really just one guy, Commissar Caruso or whatever they call him.)

The left, with their constant attacks on women, treating women like any other political figure to be publicly scorned and mocked, it sickens me. Why don't they see their own hypocrisy? The left likes to pretend that it's feminist and stuff, but when it comes down to it, they hate me, and I'm a woman, so they hate women. That is how the math works, people! Listen to me!

Seriously though, this business of quoting people's words back to them and their sponsors, it has to stop. I don't know why we consider it acceptable practice to quote people's words verbatim! It's such an ugly attack, it's practically a hate crime. Poor Rush Limbaugh!

Ugh, that horrible little man. I only pretend to like him because he's in control of the Republicans and I need those Tea Party votes. Smile, everyone! Smiles all around!

Who cares about Sandra Fluke? What about ME?!

Liberals are so hypocrisy!

You know, a lot of liberals are really banging their little drums this week over their supposed "triumph" over Rush Limbaugh.

Now I am not really wanting to say bad things about Rush Limbaugh, because he used to have me on his radio show, and we're like FOX News pals, you know. His dang endorsement is part of what got me there. I never bite the hand that feeds me if I still think it might be useful, and I think Rush Limbaugh might still be useful, so I'll be, you know. Subtle. Like I do.

But this thing with Rush Limbaugh saying sexist things… don't liberals know that liberal people say mean things, too? Like that horrible Bill Maher, who called me "the c word." I won't say it, because I am too dainty and well-behaved, I do not flippin swear. God doesn't like swear words. But fake swear words like "flippin" are okay. I don't know why. God doesn't realize they aren't swears, I guess. They're not on the list.

Anyway!

Where were all these people to rush to my defense when Bill Maher was mean to me? All these pious people defending that girl's reputation. We don't even know her! She's a nobody! Who cares about HER reputation?

You know what I care about? MY reputation.

You can make the argument that Bill Maher was talking about ONE woman, whereas Rush Limbaugh was talking about ALL women. Or that Bill Maher kind of makes a thing about swearing about stuff, whereas Rush Limbaugh insisted that women should provide sex tapes before having their contraception covered by their health insurance company.

And you would think, with the way I'm against abortion and teen pregnancy, that I would be in favor of making contraception easily available to young women. If I am, I'm keeping my dang mouth shut about it. I know which side my bread is buttered on: the homeschooled hyper-religious side. Those people don't forgive, either, no matter what Jesus taught them.

Wait, where was I? Oh right. Other people say nasty things about women than Rush Limbaugh. Also, if you're going to get your panties all in a wad, why not get all worked up about something that really matters? Like genocide, or how the networks won't give my Todd a reality show. That's the real injustice!

Besides, Rush Limbaugh has apologized. Okay, so he basically went with the "I was just kidding, don't be so sensitive" defense. But seriously, what more would you expect from such a… man.

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