The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

The Palin family has come under fire for hosting a Venezuelan company with socialist ties in the Iron Dog snowmobile races that just finished in Alaska. This news will likely fade soon, especially considering this breaking report about the members of the Iditarod dog sled team the Palins are secretly sponsoring during this year's race, which is currently underway. While all the human members of the team have been thoroughly vetted, the same cannot be said for the dogs themselves.

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Well, it's official. After becoming a vice presidential nominee, an international political superstar, the best guest in the history of Saturday Night Live and a beloved cable TV personality, I can now add my recent turn as a tremendously hilarious comedienne to my resume. It was no walk in the park, either. I mean, looking like a comic genius next to the Jay Leno... I didn't think it could actually be done. But that's what Sarah Palin does. She tries for the impossible, she climbs those highest mountains and fights hard when all the critics and the media say she'll lose. Well, I didn't lose. If comedy is a boxing match, I won by technical knockout. That means I knocked 'em down several times in a row. Them being the audience and knocking down being making them laugh at my jokes.

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it took everything I had not to vomit then

It's all falling into place, gentlemen. Soon the name of Palin will no longer be associated with my bumbling ignoramus of a progenitor, and to a lesser extent with an accomplished British comedian/travel writer. The world will know my glory as was promised to me by The Lurker in the Dark so many years ago. In 2015, the very earth will shake, the skies will be torn from the firmament and the name of Bristol Palin will be a thing of dread, of awe, of respectable voter recognition relative to other major candidates when prompted by an impartial survey. Hahahahahaha!

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I bet she liked this episode

When I first arrived at the lavish Toronto hotel where Sarah Palin was staying I was greeted by a short Dominican woman who had been hired to occupy me and perform various other tasks for the former governor. I knew all of this, her job description and her ethnicity, because she explicitly told me so. That, too, was part of her job. Apparently Palin was running late because of an impromptu mani-pedi. I didn't much care. If it had been a Motel 6 maybe I'd have been a bit miffed, but this was the Windsor Arms. I sat back in a chair softer than the pads on the Dominican girl's shoulders and waited for my subject to arrive.

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October 12th 2008: Phase One

At the October 12th meeting of the official Liberal Agenda, all parties present agreed that a systematic, public defamation of Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin was in order. They then began outlining Phase One of Operation Lame Duck which would take place over the next several months of a multi-year project. Phase One involved the raising of funds through various regular channels such as siphoning off revenue from the New York Times, selling marijuana to school children and garnering the mysterious profits that result from encouraging homosexuality in Americans. The amount of funds necessary were determined by an estimate compiled by the International Jewish Conspiracy. That number has yet to be declassified.

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That phone call. That damn phone call. Doesn't Scotty know he's breaking my heart? After all I've done for him, after all we had together, he goes and tells everybody that the phone call "slipped his mind"? I feel so used, so degraded. What, he's some big shot now and he doesn't want the world to think he's flesh and blood just like everybody else? Well, I'm not gonna let him just walk all over me... um, figuratively speaking. I actually really enjoyed it when he did it that one time in Boca.

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this is literally how they do it, as far as I understand

A lot of folks have probably seen my recent post on my Facebook page about my opinions of women's rights groups and their protests against the pro-life ad that is set to run during the Super Bowl. I mean, it is a pretty popular Facebook page, just like everything I do is inherently interesting and famous. I feel like I need to further explain my position because I've gotten some pretty bad press over this business. So, I'm here to outline the Top 3 reasons why everyone should really believe what I believe about the pro-life debate and the role of politics in the media. Also, please accept my friend requests and enjoy the free personality quiz below.

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Ever since I got to Fox News I've had to deal with that pudgy good-for-nothing Glenn Beck. He just had to interview me before anybody else and he hit me with all those stupid questions about Founding Fathers and patriotism. He-llo, Beck! Former Vice Presidential Candidate! I don't need some lesson about patriotism or a bunch of old men in wigs. I'm Sarah freaking Palin. I am America.

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Finally, after so much hard work and struggle in the cruel gears of Hollywood, the importance of my presence on television has been recognized. I knew all those hours I put in producing "Main Street America with Sarah Palin" would pay off. Now that I've got my contract with Fox News I can put some of my ideas on the air where they belong. That's right, Palin's in the house and it's time to do some major remodeling.

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our great CEO

After 25 years of growth and our continued dedication to excellence, BSMP, LLC is proud to report record gains for our most recent venture, the Anti-Matter Collapsing Singularity Sports Utility Vehicle. Our founder and CEO Bristol Palin shocked the world when she made the controversial decision in 2013 to diversify this corporation's interests to include not just lobbying and public relations services, but also experimental energy technology and low-to-zero gravity munitions materials. That shrewd maneuver has made us one of the most successful business entities in the three worlds and we look forward to a 2035 during which our presence will be known among the ashes of a fourth.

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