The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

Newt Shoots for the Moon

I think Alaskans should live there. We're already used to darkness and cold temperatures.

I'm sure you have heard the news by now: Newt Gingrich plans to build a permanent American base on the moon by the end of his second term. It would be our newest state! I welcome the new state of Moonlandia. Or maybe we could call it Moonlaska, since it would definitely be pretty flippin' cold up there, in space.

I have to be on board with this plan, because Newt has said that he might choose me to be the secretary of something. (Energy? I think it was energy. It was a couple weeks ago. I'd have to look it up. I'm not one of those gals who lets facts clutter up her mind. I prefer to just drift along waiting for awesome stuff to happen. It's worked pretty well for me so far!)

State of the Union? BORED, That's The State of the Union.

I'm Like, You Know, Whatever

Greta Van Susteren interviewed me after the State of the Union address, and she seemed to get a little annoyed with my vague answers. But seriously, what do you want from me? Obviously I don't like President Obama's State of the Union address. I don't even have to watch it to know that. In fact, I kind of didn't watch it, to tell you the truth. I was too busy texting and emailing and BBMing everybody about it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good long speech as much as everyone. A good long boring speech that drones on and on, and that says the same tired old stuff, just one big empty gesture. Heck, I've given plenty of speeches like that, myself. But that doesn't mean I can sit through one without my eyes glazing over.

Sure, I Cost A Lot - But I'm Worth It!

And I'm a bargain compared to Bill Clinton or Al Gore!

I don't know if you caught this over the weekend, but Buzzfeed had the temerity to print up a graphic with the speaking fees for various political figures. And a lot of people were upset! They think it is somehow inappropriate for a former politician like Rudy Giuliani to earn more money for one speech than most Americans earn in a year.

Of course, that's what poor people would say!

Me, I'm a tough working mom, a heartlander, a grizzly mom, a hockey mom, I'm one of you. Just because I earn between $75,000 to $100,000 per speech doesn't change that. It just points out how desperate Americans are to hear the words of a REAL American! To hear a working mother speak from the heart.

For Being So Brilliant, They Sure Are Dumb

That’s right, I said it. Maybe it doesn’t technically make sense, but it sounds good!

Had a great interview with Hannity the other night, about how the attacks on Newt Gingrich are actually opportunities. It's an "attackitunity"! Turn that frown upside down! Your hate only feeds me! I'm rubber and you're glue! Etc.

In hindsight, I would never in a million years admit that I misused the words "incentivized" and "covertly." I do not misuse words. Ever. I may use them in a context with which you are unfamiliar, like I might use the word "covertly" when someone else might use the word "accidentally" or "unintentionally." But that doesn't mean I used the word "covertly" wrong. It just means that English is an evolving language, and maybe you don't understand the word "covertly" as well as you thought you did. (Note to self: ask fans to update Wikipedia pages for "covertly" and "incentivize.")

Andrew Sullivan Is In My Sights

He's on my List. (It's a long List.)

Have you seen the Newsweek cover? The one that says that Obama's critics are "dumb"? It's outrageous, isn't it? That they not only printed an article by Andrew Sullivan, they also put the man's article on the cover!

(As for the cover article itself… I don't know, whatever. I haven't read it. I mean, I tried, but it was too long. I lost interest halfway through. Lamestream Media. Too busy. I'm just a working mom here in the heartland! I don't have time to read multi-page Newsweek articles that are relevant to my interests. Give me a break!)

Lana Del Rey: Don't Retreat, Reload!

Do what I do when I make a mistake: double down!

A lot of people probably don't think I'm a Saturday Night Live fan. And it's true, I'm not. I mean, I was ON Saturday Night Live? And there's that whole thing with Tina Fey obviously. But I don't really get the humor, and it's on way too late for a working mom like me. Who can stay up that late anymore?

But last Saturday I happened to wake up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. (I had this weird dream where the bearskin rug in our living room came back to life and was chiding me for solving my problems with violence instead of diplomacy. Where did THAT come from?) I didn't want to wake up the rest of the house, because I knew they would start whining and asking for stuff. So I bundled up and trotted over to our private television studio that we built in the outbuilding across the yard.

Oh Yeah, The "First Dude" Went Rogue, You Betcha!

Rogue like a hole in the head!

We knew that eventually someone would raise the question, why did Todd endorse someone, while I haven't? Why did Todd pick Newt Gingrich? And how did I feel about it? Like, did he go behind my back with this?

Idiotic questions, to be sure. What, do they think we in the Heartland are a bunch of numbskulls, the way Michelle Obama does? With her fancy-dancy Harvard law degree? HA.

But it's funnier to pretend like Todd "went rogue" with this one. First of all, I got to refer to him as the "First Dude." Which is not only a funny thing to say, but it also reminds people that I used to be governor. Well, governor and a half, I guess. (It's a hard job! You don't know!)

Todd Teases Newt

I wanted to have Piper endorse him, or maybe our bearskin rug, or that giant frickin' crab we keep on the coffee table.

Okay so we put our heads together and decided that - get this - TODD should endorse Newt Gingrich! Hilarious, right? I can only imagine Newt's reaction when he heard that.

Person: Hey man, you got a Palin endorsement!

Newt Gingrich: Yayyyyy!!!!

Person: But it's Todd Palin.

Newt Gingrich: Wha???

I know! I'm still chuckling about it!

Read more about Todd Teases Newt

I Really Had My Heart Set On That 41% Undecided!

Mathematically there's no reason it should have failed

Oh dearest diary, I have to admit, on my usual "Pep Scale" that runs from 9 to 10, today is a sad day. I am only at about 9.25 Pep, after what happened at the Iowa caucuses.

This "Draft Palin" movement really started to pick up steam with the ad from "Sarah Palin's Iowa Earthquake." Which is as we all know an "independent" group of voters, completely unaffiliated with either myself or SarahPAC.

WINK WINK!!!!

Okay, It Might Be Time For A New Wig

I call her "Betty," by the way. My wig.

I made this whole long (five minutes plus!) speech on FOX News the other night, but the only thing the Huffington Post is interested in discussing is my hair. Now granted, I have looked better. It was kind of a harried day, I knew it would be a long night, I took a nap and overslept and woke up without the usual five or six hours I spend with my hair and makeup team.

And you know, just in a broader sense, that hair volumizing insert (a.k.a. wig or Bumpit or bouffant) has seen me through a lot of hard times. It's been with me through thick and thin, day and night, good times and bad. It really helps fill out the hair at the back of my head, which I feel is too flat and "human-like."