Hi, Sarah. It's me, Malkie. I guess you're, um, a little busy at the moment. I totally understand. Since it's not likely I'm going to get a hold of you any time soon, with us both having such intensely busy schedules, I suppose now is as good a time as any to give you some friendly advice I've been meaning to impart to you for some time now. Being a very in-demand celebrity figure, what with my unmistakable voice and irreplaceable presence in film and occasionally on the stage, I'm used to having cameras shoved in my face on a pretty regular basis. It's all part of the territory. You've been in the national media for a few years now, so, um, Sarah, you should know... things were always going to get pretty ugly. You know what I'm talking about. The candid videos. The cell phones with the little video thingies in them. They're so clever, but also quite dangerous. Dangerous for people like me and, um, now you.

Read more >

Well, Ted Stevens is gone and with him goes the last shred of dignity left in politics, at least in Alaska. Teddy was a real hard-ass, an old-fashioned ball buster who would have made sure the trains ran on time if Alaska ever really went full-bore into the whole mass transit thing. I'm gonna miss the old codger. I mean, not him personally. Nobody liked Ted. He wasn't a likable guy. He ate endangered species and scared children for fun. Everyone in Congress was terrified of him because he once chewed off an intern's face for disagreeing with him. Literally, chewed his face right off with those bizarre, silver-tipped crowns of his. Ted Stevens, a real monster, but our monster. With him gone, the state of American politics is about to teeter right off the edge into some kind of special Hell. A special Hell where Levi Johnston is king.

Read more >

A lot of people have heard that Kate Gosselin and her kids are coming up to Alaska to go camping with me and my family. What they don't know is the true reason why Kate is coming north with her vile brood. The real story is that I've got a big bone to pick with that harpy and her stupid hair extensions. If we met on her turf we'd probably get hauled off by the fuzz for something stupid and liberal like "child endangerment". That's why we're gonna be throwing down in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness. Even if someone called a ranger, which they probably wouldn't because we settle our problems like warriors in the land of the midnight sun, it'd take the jerk pigs a couple hours to get where we're going. Two vicious hockey moms are going to enter the forest but only one is going to come out. Here's a hint for you gamblers in the room: I've got an appointment the next day I plan on keeping.

Read more >

It was terrible! Just terrible! If I hadn't gone out for my third chai latte that day I might have been killed in a swarm of little miracles! I know it sounds crazy and I know I'm probably going to get some flack from the good people in the pro-life community, but I don't care. I'll say it here and I'll tell it to anyone who asks: Michele Bachmann assaulted the central office of my political action committee with an army of small children and took several of my staff hostage. Oh, God... my mascara is running everywhere.

Read more >

Is... is this what I think it is? Did I do it? Ha! This is awesome. I totally just hacked into Sarah Palin's diary. I can't believe this. Christmas has come early for the Olber-Man. Look, I don't know how much time I've got here, so I'm gonna have to make this count. Um, oh geez, I'm so nervous. I mean, I'm in front of a national TV camera every single day but this right here is giving me some old-fashioned jitters. It's not every day you get an opportunity like this. Right, just calm down, Keith. You can do this. This is gonna be great.

Read more >