Hijacked by Keith Olbermann

Submitted by Maverick on 6/29/10 10:07pm
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Is... is this what I think it is? Did I do it? Ha! This is awesome. I totally just hacked into Sarah Palin's diary. I can't believe this. Christmas has come early for the Olber-Man. Look, I don't know how much time I've got here, so I'm gonna have to make this count. Um, oh geez, I'm so nervous. I mean, I'm in front of a national TV camera every single day but this right here is giving me some old-fashioned jitters. It's not every day you get an opportunity like this. Right, just calm down, Keith. You can do this. This is gonna be great.



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More Yay Than Scarface

Submitted by Maverick on 6/22/10 11:26pm
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Ain't no party like a Tea Party party 'cuz a Tea Party party got more snow than Alaska in winter. We call 'em Red States but they're more like White States and I don't mean in a racist way. Why you gotta say that Sarah? 'Cuz Red States got all the yay. Rolling down K Street in my motorcade, ice on my fingers, ice on my neck, ice hanging off my ears, yeah, more stones than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards hanging out in quarry, that's how I do. Sean Hannity in the back seat rolling J's, a Glock in my pocket 'cuz you never know what might go down in the Capitol. Why you in a hurry, Sarah? Wake up, homes, Sarah's gotta make a delivery. I'm talking the pure sugar, the White Lady, the chick Eric Clapton had to sing about and David Bowie couldn't resist. Don't look so surprised, G. You think I roll the way I do on a guest lecturer's salary? I only write those books so I can move my product in the boxes. Yeah, going rogue on the coke market, slinging more stuff than even Glenn Beck can snort on his best day. I don't front, I don't hate and I don't play the game. Bitch, I own it.



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Urgent Communique to Baroness Thatcher

Submitted by Maverick on 6/15/10 10:52pm
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My Dearest Maggie,

Though it has been many years since last we spoke, I feel compelled to warn you now of an impending trial that waits on the horizon for you. In but a short time, an individual who has been, if you'll excuse my parlance, mucking around in the colonies will descend upon our fair England in search of you. I cannot claim to know the full extent of her motives or what she plans to do once she catches up with you, but I can assure you that it will be not at all pleasant for you or anyone in your general vicinity. I fear that if I were to divulge any more details about this individual via the easily intercepted lines of the regular post then my efforts might all be for naught. Should you wish to know more, I suggest we utilize those secure measures once implemented in your time as Prime Minister.

Yours always in good faith,

-Bernard Magnusson III



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Ya'll Just Jealous

Submitted by Maverick on 6/8/10 5:59pm
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Yeah, I've heard the talk. I've heard the liberal media and all the people who are threatened for some reason by my presence in American culture talking smack about my hot bod. Uh-huh, always some angry chick making some fool claim that Sarah Palin got some work done. And why? Well, it don't have nothin' to do with my political career or my amazing success as a best-selling author. Naw, it's just 'cuz there's always some bitch thinks she all fly that come 'round trying to knock me down 'cuz she afraid of the dangerous amount of milkshake I bring to the yard.



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Complaints about Joe McGinniss

Submitted by Maverick on 6/2/10 12:06am
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Life has been nothing but a series of headaches ever since Joe McGinniss moved next door. Well, not for me obviously. I'm far too busy traveling to speaking engagements and secluding myself in my fabulous Hollywood condo for the purpose of writing my new book to actually spend that much time back in Wasilla. But I assure you, the reports I have received while taking my weekly cucumber puree bath are appalling. And yes, I only allow my aids to give me one update every week about what's happening with my family because, contrary to the uninformed beliefs of some unscrupulous journalists, I am a very busy woman and I can't be constantly interrupted to put my mindspace back in small town Alaska. For Heaven's sake, I've got a country to run... I mean... well, I don't have time to explain... anyway, Joe McGinniss is a jerk.



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Nikki Haley is an Orgy Queen

Submitted by Maverick on 5/25/10 8:40pm
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I know my handlers keep on telling me that it's been a year since I've actually been a real politician and that it just makes me look foolish to keep putting my hand into the political developments of places and people who have absolutely nothing to do with me, but I just couldn't let the press say those awful things about Nikki Haley. Everyone knows that state affairs in South Carolina have always been heavily concerned with professionalism and dignity, so as a Republican and an American citizen I take great offense at Will Folks and his claims that he had an inappropriate physical relationship with my good friend Nikki. I have decided to write today in her defense.



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You Are All Fired by Bristol Palin

Submitted by Maverick on 5/18/10 8:03pm
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this? This is a light outingthis? This is a light outingI'm not an unreasonable woman. I like to consider myself harsh but fair. I've called you all here today to give each of you the chance to plead your case for continued existence before I summarily fire all of you. I personally have no intention of ending any of your lives, at least directly. I am well aware that, should you cease to be in my employ, your souls will be at the mercy of The Lurker in the Dark. It will no doubt appreciate the substantial offering of your pathetic blood and bones, and therefore lead me to an entirely new consortium of supporters who will hopefully prove more effective than you lot of sorry cretins. Oh, do not try to run. The Lurker will not like that one bit, as evidenced by Mr. Hargrave, or at least what's left of him. So please, gentleman, take your seats, be on your best behavior and help yourself to the artichoke dip.



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My New Book is Mostly About Flags

Submitted by Maverick on 5/11/10 8:17pm
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Of all the many different hats I've worn over the years, newscaster, daughter, wife, mother, Governor, Vice Presidential Candidate, cable television personality, my absolute favorite has been my time as an author. This may come as a shock to most people, but I've never been too fond of books. I never liked how they tried to say so many things at once and I always resented the way the words would jump off the page and attack my eyes like a swarm of angry, winged ants. But all that changed when I wrote my first book, Going Rogue. In my naive, pre-writer days I used to think that making books was all about sitting in front of a typewriter with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and a nearly empty bottle of scotch just an inch away from tumbling to the floor like some kind of allegory for the ruin of all the wasted potential in your life. Well, I tried all that and while it certainly helped, I soon discovered that there's so much more to being an author than that.



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Why, Todd? Why?

Submitted by Maverick on 5/5/10 3:05am
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I know I've been a little distant lately, Todd. I mean, both literally and figuratively. We don't talk much anymore and I've really only been back to Alaska twice in the past two years, once if you don't count appearances by my uncanny body double. I still don't see how that results in you deciding to support Joe Miller instead of my dear friend Lisa Murkowski for the Senate seat. You've been telling everyone it's because you believe in Miller's platform more than Murkowski's, but we both know that's not true. You may be able to fool the folks in the media who don't know you from Adam, but you can't fool the woman who once shared your home, your life, your bed. You haven't got a political bone in your body. That's why when that shadowy cabal from the GOP came to Wasilla looking for a new recruit from your anointed bloodline their leader said, "Forget it. We'll take the wife."



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Entry: In Bishkek

Submitted by Maverick on 4/28/10 3:00am
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Sarah and I, Bernard Magnusson III, have different, though often complementary, methods. Even before the change that made her into the love of my life, Sarah has preferred the direct approach, facing her adversaries head-on. She is a slayer of beasts, a killer who wants to look her quarries in the eye before loosing the fate of a bullet. I have never been a man for one-on-one confrontation. My forte is in the art of a plan, in traps set and time bode. That is why I write this journal from the seat of my rented car, sitting outside an exclusive residence in troubled Kyrgyzstan. An exclusive residence that, if all the wires are in their right place, will not exist in but a few minutes.



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