Wednesday, October 28th

7:48PM

Dear Diary,

Have heard that my way of talkin’ is good means of stirring up support among rural voters, obscuring issues, and, in general, winning election. Have compiled list of most effective Palin-isms and their English translations so as to increase use of most useful expressions in future speeches.

Read more >

Saturday, October 25th
9:02PM

Dear Diary,

Am apparently going rogue! Didn’t think simple actions like ignoring bad advice given by former Bush aides—and, honestly, former Bush aides? Entire country knows Bush was terrible choice. Am simply doing what I can to not be associated with current president.—would be such a big deal, but have been informed by liberal media elites that there is dangerous split between John and me.

Read more >

Thursday, October 23rd

10:01PM

Dear Diary,

Spent hours today trying to convince campaign manager that am not secretly Democrat masterminding clever scheme to undermine McCain campaign. Initial argument that would not be on Republican ticket if was not Republican apparently not good enough, so have made list.

Read more >

Sunday, October 19th

9:37PM

Dear Diary,

After seeing popularity of Tina’s fake press conference, campaign manager apparently considering allowing me to host real press conference of my own. Have been given list of possible questions and updated list of word and phrase quotas to be met. Spent day scripting eloquent answers to questions of national importance.

Read more >

Wednesday, October 15th
4:23PM

Dear Diary,

Have just received new quotas for use in future speeches.  Effective immediately:

"Maverick"- 5 per speech
"Terrorist"- 7 per speech
"Bill Ayers"- 2 per speech
"Washington outsider"- 3 per speech
"Wasilla Main Street"- 2 per speech
"Joe Six Pack"- 1 per speech
"Hockey mom"- 2 per speech
"Who is the real Barack Obama?"- 3 per speech

Under no circumstances am allowed to discuss foreign policy (specifically Putin and Russia), Bridge to Nowhere, state trooper incident, Yahoo e-mail accounts, or educational background. When John dropped off list of speech dos and don’ts, was also instructed to watch tonight’s debate closely and “just copy whatever I say and do.

Read more >

Monday, October 13th
8:47PM

Dear Diary,

Spent day reading poll results and evaluating chances of making it into White House. In case of failure on Nov.

Read more >

Saturday, October 11th
9:17AM

Dear Diary,

Have begun practicin’ for Saturday Night Live debut on Oct. 25. Confused as to how I am supposed to dress up like Tiny Fey dressed up as me, but confident that nice show writers will give me good note cards with exactly what to say, as demanded by rather overbearing campaign manager who has instructed me to—

Read more >

Wednesday, October 8th

11:34AM

Dear Diary,

Rudely awoken from much-needed beauty sleep by call from Bristol complaining about morning sickness. Reminded had gone through it five times, nothing is wrong with craving raw moose and baby seal meat, and to ask big, strong future-husband Levi to hunt some. Told her to stop whining, motherhood is very beautiful thing.

Read more >