• A Message From John McCain: Please, Sarah. Stop.

    Submitted by Maverick on 3/30/10 12:20pm
    Add Comment

    What happened to me? Back in the good old days I was impervious to whatever they threw at me. Congressional corruption hearings? Cake walks, more like. Smear campaigns? Just call me Windex. I had the whole thing down pat. I'd put on one of those awful brown suits, hide my eyes behind a pair of horribly oversized glasses, style my comb-over to look like an alien spider drunk on the fluids it had sucked from my brain, and apply a shimmering layer of fake flop sweat to my brow. I looked pathetic but dignified, the fall guy who didn't know he did anything wrong. Congress in the 80's was one non-stop parade of artful escapes and glorious misdirections. By the mid 90's I pretty much had tenure, real Strom Thurmond years, I wasn't going anywhere. But then I got greedy. Then she came into my life like some kind of maelstrom of bad PR.



    Read more >

  • Things to Feature on Sarah Palin's Alaska

    Submitted by Maverick on 3/24/10 4:14am
    Add Comment

    your traveling days are over, funny manyour traveling days are over, funny manHa! There's a new Palin in the travelogue business now! Suck on that, Michael! Whoa, I am just so hyped about my deal with Discovery to do a show about my home state. And no matter what the cynics say, it's not just about the 1.2 million dollars I'll be getting for each episode. I really do love Alaska, which is why I spend so much time away from it. You know what they say, if you love something, get the hell away from it and never stop talking about how awesome it is even when people don't ask you about it. That's also why I don't spend any time with my family. Really, I haven't seen Todd in eight months. They use the computer to make it look like I'm with him for all those photo ops. Anyway, I've got some big plans for what to do with the show. The producers won't know what hit them.



    Read more >

  • Entry: From the Shores of Tel Aviv

    Submitted by Maverick on 3/17/10 5:11am
    Add Comment

    Andy Ward has a license to artAndy Ward has a license to artOn these mild Middle Eastern nights when there is neither beautiful sweat nor chirping insect to give weight to the dark, sometimes Sarah and I, Bernard Magnusson III, wonder if perhaps we brought a greater harm into the world than we intended all those months ago. During my recalibration analysis in January I found some unusual code in the PalinBot 5000 and eliminated it, but now I fear it may have been a distraction from something far more insidious. The mechanical replicant of my beloved has been behaving far outside the lines of its protocols, especially as of late. That shadowy cabal at Fox News surely has a hand in this and not Oprah as I had originally presumed. Whoever is responsible for these insane outbursts, they have put the lives of Sarah and myself in great danger.



    Read more >

  • The Palin Iditarod Sled Team Dogs

    Submitted by Maverick on 3/10/10 2:48am
    Add Comment

    The Palin family has come under fire for hosting a Venezuelan company with socialist ties in the Iron Dog snowmobile races that just finished in Alaska. This news will likely fade soon, especially considering this breaking report about the members of the Iditarod dog sled team the Palins are secretly sponsoring during this year's race, which is currently underway. While all the human members of the team have been thoroughly vetted, the same cannot be said for the dogs themselves.



    Read more >

  • Thanks, Jay!

    Submitted by Maverick on 3/2/10 11:42pm
    Add Comment

    Well, it's official. After becoming a vice presidential nominee, an international political superstar, the best guest in the history of Saturday Night Live and a beloved cable TV personality, I can now add my recent turn as a tremendously hilarious comedienne to my resume. It was no walk in the park, either. I mean, looking like a comic genius next to the Jay Leno... I didn't think it could actually be done. But that's what Sarah Palin does. She tries for the impossible, she climbs those highest mountains and fights hard when all the critics and the media say she'll lose. Well, I didn't lose. If comedy is a boxing match, I won by technical knockout. That means I knocked 'em down several times in a row. Them being the audience and knocking down being making them laugh at my jokes.



    Read more >