• Nikki Haley is an Orgy Queen

    Submitted by Maverick on 5/25/10 8:40pm
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    I know my handlers keep on telling me that it's been a year since I've actually been a real politician and that it just makes me look foolish to keep putting my hand into the political developments of places and people who have absolutely nothing to do with me, but I just couldn't let the press say those awful things about Nikki Haley. Everyone knows that state affairs in South Carolina have always been heavily concerned with professionalism and dignity, so as a Republican and an American citizen I take great offense at Will Folks and his claims that he had an inappropriate physical relationship with my good friend Nikki. I have decided to write today in her defense.



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  • You Are All Fired by Bristol Palin

    Submitted by Maverick on 5/18/10 8:03pm
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    this? This is a light outingthis? This is a light outingI'm not an unreasonable woman. I like to consider myself harsh but fair. I've called you all here today to give each of you the chance to plead your case for continued existence before I summarily fire all of you. I personally have no intention of ending any of your lives, at least directly. I am well aware that, should you cease to be in my employ, your souls will be at the mercy of The Lurker in the Dark. It will no doubt appreciate the substantial offering of your pathetic blood and bones, and therefore lead me to an entirely new consortium of supporters who will hopefully prove more effective than you lot of sorry cretins. Oh, do not try to run. The Lurker will not like that one bit, as evidenced by Mr. Hargrave, or at least what's left of him. So please, gentleman, take your seats, be on your best behavior and help yourself to the artichoke dip.



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  • My New Book is Mostly About Flags

    Submitted by Maverick on 5/11/10 8:17pm
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    Of all the many different hats I've worn over the years, newscaster, daughter, wife, mother, Governor, Vice Presidential Candidate, cable television personality, my absolute favorite has been my time as an author. This may come as a shock to most people, but I've never been too fond of books. I never liked how they tried to say so many things at once and I always resented the way the words would jump off the page and attack my eyes like a swarm of angry, winged ants. But all that changed when I wrote my first book, Going Rogue. In my naive, pre-writer days I used to think that making books was all about sitting in front of a typewriter with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and a nearly empty bottle of scotch just an inch away from tumbling to the floor like some kind of allegory for the ruin of all the wasted potential in your life. Well, I tried all that and while it certainly helped, I soon discovered that there's so much more to being an author than that.



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  • Why, Todd? Why?

    Submitted by Maverick on 5/5/10 3:05am
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    I know I've been a little distant lately, Todd. I mean, both literally and figuratively. We don't talk much anymore and I've really only been back to Alaska twice in the past two years, once if you don't count appearances by my uncanny body double. I still don't see how that results in you deciding to support Joe Miller instead of my dear friend Lisa Murkowski for the Senate seat. You've been telling everyone it's because you believe in Miller's platform more than Murkowski's, but we both know that's not true. You may be able to fool the folks in the media who don't know you from Adam, but you can't fool the woman who once shared your home, your life, your bed. You haven't got a political bone in your body. That's why when that shadowy cabal from the GOP came to Wasilla looking for a new recruit from your anointed bloodline their leader said, "Forget it. We'll take the wife."



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