• Kate's Gonna Get Creamed

    Submitted by Maverick on 7/27/10 1:51pm
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    A lot of people have heard that Kate Gosselin and her kids are coming up to Alaska to go camping with me and my family. What they don't know is the true reason why Kate is coming north with her vile brood. The real story is that I've got a big bone to pick with that harpy and her stupid hair extensions. If we met on her turf we'd probably get hauled off by the fuzz for something stupid and liberal like "child endangerment". That's why we're gonna be throwing down in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness. Even if someone called a ranger, which they probably wouldn't because we settle our problems like warriors in the land of the midnight sun, it'd take the jerk pigs a couple hours to get where we're going. Two vicious hockey moms are going to enter the forest but only one is going to come out. Here's a hint for you gamblers in the room: I've got an appointment the next day I plan on keeping.



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  • I Refudiate The Misappropriate Assaultations Against My Personity

    Submitted by Maverick on 7/20/10 9:39pm
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    Sometimes I think I should just close down my Twitter account. 140 characters just isn't enough to express my detailed, nuanced points of view. Instead of paying attention to the actual content of my tweets and commenting on the intellectual commentary therein, my detractors have decided to pick apart the artistic license I take with this glorious and ultimately malleable language called English. As I've said before, I take much of my inspiration from William Shakespeare. I, like The Bard, luxuriate in the myriad beauties of this great, international tongue by composing stirring verse tinged with deep-piercing satire and universal humanity. That the people in the media who make sport of my life daily refuse to see that is wee-wee'd up beyond all repair.



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  • Bachmann's Babies Attacked My PAC Office

    Submitted by Maverick on 7/13/10 11:11pm
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    It was terrible! Just terrible! If I hadn't gone out for my third chai latte that day I might have been killed in a swarm of little miracles! I know it sounds crazy and I know I'm probably going to get some flack from the good people in the pro-life community, but I don't care. I'll say it here and I'll tell it to anyone who asks: Michele Bachmann assaulted the central office of my political action committee with an army of small children and took several of my staff hostage. Oh, God... my mascara is running everywhere.



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  • Elected Office, Shmelected Shmoffice!

    Submitted by Maverick on 7/6/10 11:35pm
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    There's been a lot of talk in the media lately about whether or not I'm going to ever run for elected office again. The race for the 2012 presidency is just around the corner and there are 47 other US states of which I have yet to be Governor. It seems like they'll give just about anyone a Senate seat these days and no one, I mean no one, pays attention to the House of Representatives. I could get a House seat with no problem and camp out there for decades if I wanted to. But that's the rub, isn't it? Why in blazes would I want to? Let's break it down, shall we?



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