They see me rollin, they hatin
Aw yeah, peeps! My homies! I got all dressed up to the nines to go shopping at the Kmart in Studio City, and boy am I glad I did. The paparazzi, you know, they are everywhere. Even Kmart, although you would think that such a fine, heartland kind of store wouldn't attract that sort of Hollywood attention, you know, with the redneck and the down market and all. You would think you could just go shopping with your daughter, have a nice afternoon together getting a manicure and shopping for paper towels.
But no, the photographers are everywhere. I mean obviously I knew that, otherwise I wouldn't have worn my best off-the-shoulder asymmetrical shirt outfit, or my huge bling necklace. (I call it my "bling" but it makes Willow embarrassed every time I do it. That's why I do it. What good is being a mama if you can't make your babies cringe when you try and use their slang?) I sure as heck wouldn't have worn skinny jeans and those mile-high wedges if I didn't think the photographers were going to be there.
And the sunglasses indoors, you know. I love that. It's like "No one will recognize me if I'm wearing these sunglasses inside," but the best way to guarantee everyone is staring at you trying to figure out who you are is to wear sunglasses inside. It's one of the funny little Hollywood tricks you pick up.
Most celebrities probably would have snuck out to go shopping at a high-end boutique. But not me. I know my people, and my people want to see me shopping at Kmart. This kind of thing is how I maintain the illusion that I’m just a down-home regular old red-blooded American like all the regular folk. It’s not an easy illusion, given that I make millions of dollars a year and every dang member of my family is on TV somewhere at any given time. But I do what I can. It’s worked so far. (Promise you won’t tell!)
Speaking of the National Enquirer and Bristol's incredibly expensive and also somewhat weird plastic surgery - I mean, "corrective jaw surgery" - to make her face more heart-shaped. I'm here in southern California, "enemy territory" if you will, to support my daughter Bristol who is on Dancing With the Stars by the way, if you hadn't heard. You should vote for her right now, show those liberals what's what! Strike a blow for using the word "homosexual" as a slur, and for disrespecting transgendered people. Vote Bristol, vote conservative, a vote for Bristol is like a vote for me! Vote vote vote!
Oh and the election stuff too. There's that. Vote for that too. But vote for Bristol first, because the other election isn't for a couple more weeks!