Stupid turkeys!

That's the last time I pardon ANYONE.

Okay, so, maybe you can guess, but I'm not a big fan of turkey anymore. I used to love turkey. But these days I stick to Wild Turkey, and that's only when no one's looking and I'm in my upstairs office. (WINK!!!!)

It's been four years, but they are still harping on that darned Thanksgiving video. Frankly I didn't see the problem. Well okay I guess that's obvious. But look, it was right after the 2008 election when I… well, you know I don't like to say "I lost." Let's just call it "the election where I discovered that God's plan for me did not include the presidency just yet." Yeah, I like the sounds of that.
 
So I'm hitting the Xanax pretty hard because I had basically invested my whole entire life into this thing that went down. And now I'm back in frickin' Alaska, freezing my Bad Monkey high heeled shoes off, and they want me to do some kind of turkey pardon thing.
 
Well I don't know, sure, fine, whatever. I just do what my handlers tell me, you know? That is their job: to handle stuff.
 
I mean okay they asked me if that was what I wanted in the backdrop of the shoot, and I said "no worries." But for one thing, I had no idea what they were talking about. It was just a bunch of mud and some cones on the wall. How was I supposed to know what was going to happen?
 
It's not like they said, "A guy is killing turkeys in the background." You need to be clear about things! Don't just pussy-foot around, you know? 
 
I'm pretty sure the camera guy had it out for me. And the turkey killing guy, too. Why else would he keep killing those turkeys while I talked? He knew what was happening. I bet the Lamestream Media paid him to do it. Or maybe those bleeding heart liberals. Wanting to make me look bad. You know how they are. 
 
I could blame the interviewer for framing the shot. I could blame my handlers for falling asleep on the job. I could blame the medication I was on. I could blame the darn turkey-killer for not taking five gosh darned minutes off while I was on camera! And I will. I will blame all of those people.
 
I fired my speech-writer, too. "Friend to all creatures great and small?" What kind of bull honky is that, I ask you. I'm a friend to all creatures, that's right - all creatures on my dinner plate! Zing!
 
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Image courtesy Flickr/Ginger Me

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