You know, as a parent, you do the best that you can to steer your children in the right direction. With your help, and the Lord's help, they make it to adulthood the right flippin way - with their very own reality show!

 

My baby girl is all grown up and ready to whore herself out to a cable network, exchanging her day-to-day existence and privacy for the most important thing in the world: money money money! Like mother like daughter, I guess! I couldn't be more proud.

It is every mother's dream to see their little girl grow up and get a reality show. Every AMERICAN mother's dream, I should say. Other countries, they don't believe in God, who knows what they believe in, but I can tell you this: they are losing the war for television. Which we - just to be clear - we are winning. It's no contest! Our reality television beats their reality, hands down, every day.

 

My own reality show was a scintillating success. In fact, it was so successful that it wasn't brought back for a second season. That's how amazing I was! They couldn't handle my genius, my star power just about blew out their camera lenses. They wanted to bring me back, they really did, but I guess their network just couldn't handle how amazing I am. It's only fair to give their other programming a chance. 

 

And then of course we shopped around a reality show for my husband Todd, the former "First Dude." Between you and me, that one was a loser from the get-go. Todd, he's not a talker. He's the strong silent type. (Yum!) Or maybe it seems that way because I'm always the one who's talking. Regardless, if the cameras followed Todd around all day, the entire nation would fall asleep.

 

Then they would wake up when we got to the part with the snowmobiles. My husband, he sure loves them snowmobiles. It's a mystery to me. I once had him followed by private detectives, because I was convinced he was snowmobiling out into the wilderness as a cover for having an affair. But no: he just drives that thing around the woods, staring off into space, without a care (or apparently a thought) in his head. More power to him, I guess.

 

But now! Bristol is a single working mom AND a reality show star. I literally could not be more proud. (And prepping to steal focus, y'all!)