Thursday, February 5th
3:20pm

Dear Diary,

Am outraged at this Ashley Judd for all this negative publicity she’s creating around me. Who does she think she is with this youtube video? Everyone knows that we need to be able to kill wolves, elk, and other wild animals from helicopters. Well, at least everyone from the best state in the union knows this! Plus, they can’t judge us until they’ve tried it. And I guarantee, if Ashley Judd and all her cronies with the Defenders Action Fund get in a helicopter with a gun, they’ll be shooting those elk before you know it.

Leave it to those liberal-elite Hollywood celebrities to stir up some ruckus. “Scientists” say there’s no scientific evidence for us controlling the population this way. But I know in my heart and in my gut that this is right. And it doesn’t need scientific evidence. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that without us humans, elk and wolves would run the world down the tube.

Anyway, I’m not just going to sit around while this girl blasts me. So I came out with a press release saying that the youtube video ad was “reprehensible and hypocritical.” And I mean it! Of course, I would have said it like that, but my aides have a way of fancifying everything. But it gets the point across. They made me out to be some monster up in Alaska wildlife management programs, but someone has to be around to police the animals!

I’ve been hearing way too much about the wildlife business, and it’s high time people just let me do the job they elected me to do!

Love yah!
Sarah