It was terrible! Just terrible! If I hadn't gone out for my third chai latte that day I might have been killed in a swarm of little miracles! I know it sounds crazy and I know I'm probably going to get some flack from the good people in the pro-life community, but I don't care. I'll say it here and I'll tell it to anyone who asks: Michele Bachmann assaulted the central office of my political action committee with an army of small children and took several of my staff hostage. Oh, God... my mascara is running everywhere.

Nobody seems to care that Michele Bachmann has been raising a paramilitary squad of tiny guerrillas in her house for years now. The media only knows about 22 of her foster kids, but there are dozens, perhaps hundreds more. The state of Minnesota pays as much as $30 a day for each foster child, which means that Bachmann is making a cool million a year by sticking the lot of them in a system of underground barracks and training them to eat only what they can scrounge or kill. Naturally, the woods near Bachmann's home are eerily clear of wildlife. My operatives went to investigate and all they could find were bits of bloody gristle in a cave with a bunch of bones that had their marrow sucked out by hungry little mouths.

Judging by how quickly and professionally they ransacked the PAC office, I'd say that Bachmann's kids have definitely done this sort of thing before. It makes a sick sort of sense seeing as how Bachmann raised more funds than my PAC this year. I mean, so did Mitt Romney but everybody and their mother knows that he's been secretly running guns to the Venezuelan underground for months now. 1.7 million dollars. That's how much Bachmann's campaign made last quarter alone. Let me tell you, I've been to Minnesota. There's not 1.7 million dollars in that entire state that hasn't been spent on cheap beer and terrible haircuts. Bachmann's getting her funds from somewhere else and I think she's been using some very tiny, very vicious hands to do the job.

The little bastards busted open the safe where my PAC keeps the week's cash donations. Normally we take the green to the bank on Friday afternoon but there'll be no deposit this week. $25,362 is what Michele Bachmann's squad of little fascists nabbed from my till. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Oh, the staffers they took for ransom I can replace. It's summer, so all I have to do is go put up a few fliers at the local Christian university and I'll have more drones than I know what to do with. The ones they took are going to have to rely on the grace of the Almighty to get them out of this jam. If Bachmann's got any sense she'll let them go when she realizes she can't extort more money out of me. But who knows? Maybe those pint-sized psychopaths have already cut a few of them up just for laughs.

I don't care what the pro-life lobby says. Next time Michele Bachmann comes around here with her knee-high gang, I'm gonna grab the Remington from off the wall and lay waste to any one of them that so much as looks at me funny. If Bachmann wants a war, then I'll give her a war. The road to 2012 is going to be littered with fragments of America's least fortunate orphans.