BSMP, LLC: Stock Report, First Quarter 2035

our great CEO

After 25 years of growth and our continued dedication to excellence, BSMP, LLC is proud to report record gains for our most recent venture, the Anti-Matter Collapsing Singularity Sports Utility Vehicle. Our founder and CEO Bristol Palin shocked the world when she made the controversial decision in 2013 to diversify this corporation's interests to include not just lobbying and public relations services, but also experimental energy technology and low-to-zero gravity munitions materials. That shrewd maneuver has made us one of the most successful business entities in the three worlds and we look forward to a 2035 during which our presence will be known among the ashes of a fourth.

As previously mentioned, BSMP, LLC saw its strongest overall performance in the market through the Anti-Matter Collapsing Singularity Sports Utility Vehicle currently beating the Hyundai Fusion Reactor Utility Droid two to one as the most popular personal transport system on Mars. The AMCSSUV accounts for roughly 43% of the overall Martian vehicle market share despite the as yet unproven claims that its engine releases unacceptable levels of anti-matter emissions into the universe thus threatening all of existence as we know it. Just like our mental projection advertisements explain, the people and other sapient organic entities of Mars aren't concerned with petty ideas like fuel efficiency or the potential destruction of the universe. They want power and reliability to handle the rough terrain of their still-terraforming planet.

We would like to congratulate CEO Bristol Palin's mother, Sarah, on her successful conquest of the ice bats on Europa. Though most governments and survey companies agree that the frozen wastelands of Jupitar's most famous moon have little to no economic value, we still feel more secure knowing that Europa's sovereign Queen is willing to and capable of defending the human race's freedom from a species that social scientists say has a 33.6% chance of evolving into a technologically advanced enemy of our genus by the year 10,389.

BSMP, LLC's plans to harvest the rare Vixxel root from interdimensional planetoid entity KT197 are sadly behind schedule thanks to the discovery of a mysterious mineral on the planetoid's surface that is apparently capable of altering history when it comes into contact with biological matter from our home dimension. In regard to that, we would like to simultaneously congratulate and extend our condolences to Jim Ross from accounting for the possible birth and/or death of his great-grandfather, as well as assure him that his job is secure during this unfortunate period when he blinks in and out of existence. BSMP, LLC has never been in the habit of turning a blind eye to the plights of our employees.

Lastly, we would like to thank President Dakota Fanning for her continued support of BSMP, LLC's efforts to cure the twelve unfortunate individuals of the Republican party of their persistent viral infection. Though the rest of the human race has been immune to the Grand Ole Party Critical Thinking Deficiency Virus since 2019, our CEO, as a loved one of someone who has suffered from the disease for decades, knows just how important it is to never stop fighting this terrible affliction. We are asking all employees of BSMP, LLC and its subsidiaries to participate in the GOPCTDV charity relay race this Saturday.

More detailed report documents are to follow. Thank you for your continued contribution to the ventures of BSMP, LLC. We appreciate your dedication.