Life has been nothing but a series of headaches ever since Joe McGinniss moved next door. Well, not for me obviously. I'm far too busy traveling to speaking engagements and secluding myself in my fabulous Hollywood condo for the purpose of writing my new book to actually spend that much time back in Wasilla. But I assure you, the reports I have received while taking my weekly cucumber puree bath are appalling. And yes, I only allow my aids to give me one update every week about what's happening with my family because, contrary to the uninformed beliefs of some unscrupulous journalists, I am a very busy woman and I can't be constantly interrupted to put my mindspace back in small town Alaska. For Heaven's sake, I've got a country to run... I mean... well, I don't have time to explain... anyway, Joe McGinniss is a jerk.

Last week, Tucker (he's my official News From Alaska Assistant) informed me that Joe McGinniss has been living next door to Palin Manor version 1.0 for quite some time now, which is something I definitely wouldn't have approved of had I learned about it when it first happened. When I asked Tucker why he didn't tell me about McGinniss earlier, he said that he didn't think it was anything to worry about. Well, after a few minutes of savage but righteous caning, Tucker confessed that he did indeed inform me that one Joe McGinniss intended on renting the property nearest to my family's residence quite a long time ago and that I had dismissed the information as unimportant. I then proceeded to cane him for wasting my time. Mind like a steel trap, that one.

To make matters worse, it turns out that this Joe McGinniss is some writer for the media who wrote some very unflattering things about me in Portfolio Magazine. I wondered where I had heard that name before, then I remembered ordering the systematic destruction of a publication with that name some time ago because Tucker told me they had been publishing some hurtful print about me. If I recall correctly, I was so angry that yet another magazine was being mean to me that I took it all out on Tucker, caning style.

Now McGinnis is continuing his assault on my innocent family by invading our personal space and writing a book about us, or rather those who still live in my house in Wasilla. Todd sent a communique to my mainland liaison requesting reimbursement for the construction of a 14-foot fence around the property to preserve his and the kids' privacy. I was appalled. What a terrible, inconsiderate thing, building a fence on my property without consulting me first. Well, I did the only proper thing and sent back a disciplinary caning to Todd via Tucker, making sure to demonstrate every single strike so he would do it properly.

It seems there is no end to the monstrousness of the liberal media. No matter what I do there's always some jerk with a pen who's more than willing to defame me and my Alaska family for their own fifteen minutes of journalistic glory. I can't imagine what those awful people would do if they found out about my Hollywood family, or even worse my Rio de Janeiro family. If those greedy beasts started attacking Little Manolo or the tarot-reading Feather Sisters, Tucker would never be able to sit down again.