When ubiquitous, quasi-political entity Sarah Palin tossed a crumpled-up piece of paper out the 15th floor hotel suite where she was staying in between one of many paid speaking engagements earlier this week, one of the harrowed journalists who follow her trying to get access to the famously cagey Palin media machine picked it up. He discovered it was a To-Do list written in Sarah Palin's own hand. Unfortunately, it detailed not her upcoming plans, but those that have already passed. Regardless, he decided to publish it. Its entire contents are below, with italicized notes from the journalist.

1. Continue to keep Pam Pryor in a Kafkaesque professional purgatory

Pam Pryor is one of Sarah Palin's so-called "spokespeople", though she rarely ever communicates with individuals outside the SarahPAC cloister. She was dragged into this pointless position by some kind of contractual voodoo that had her original employer, Campaign Solutions, fired from managing the committee but kept Pryor on board. Given her salary, it's clear that Pam Pryor isn't some kind of tax loophole or subject of finance chicanery. Why she has a media liaison post yet is forbidden to speak to the media remains a mystery. This list at least makes it clear that Palin is keeping her on the payroll on purpose. To what ends, we may never know.

2. Force Bristol into some kind of absurd, high-profile television obligation to slow down her plans to supplant me

I lost contact with a colleague some months ago when he attempted to infiltrate Bristol Palin's many concentric circles of conspiracy and I feared the worst. This confirms that there's some kind of intra-familial espionage going on, which explains why Bristol has been allowed to generate so much bad press for the Palins. There was no way Sarah, who has always been so closed-off and intense about keeping the media out of her personal life, would just let all that business with Levi, or hell the baby, out in the open minus an ulterior motive. Bristol's appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" must be the end result of this plan.

3. Begin implementing The Doctor's brainwashing serum in Piper and launch at least one test run

There have been whispers in the media camps following Palin's caravan about this The Doctor figure. No other names or images have been scrounged so far. I was wondering why Palin would bring Piper along on this most recent tour when it's pretty obvious she can't stand to be around her family. If she's using some kind of chemical therapy to alter the child's behavior, it's possible she could be prepping the girl for some kind of family values blitz come 2012. The poor thing is just another victim, but if I try to rescue her I'd more than likely end up at the bottom of one of America's lesser lakes.

4. Convince Glenn Beck he is a religious messiah (time permitting)

I was in D.C. for the Restoring Honor rally. I've been on this trail for a long time and I've never felt more frightened. My blood chilled when I realized Beck was turning the whole thing into some sort of revival. I should have known Palin was behind it. Beck can't pull his nose out of his bag of Colombian Gold long enough to make a single, focused decision, let alone orchestrate a call to worship. This is going to get very ugly. I saw the crowd beat a man to death just for eating a bagel. They thought he was Jewish. Our only hope is if Beck gets sloppy the next time he strangles a prostitute.