There's been a lot of talk in the media lately about whether or not I'm going to ever run for elected office again. The race for the 2012 presidency is just around the corner and there are 47 other US states of which I have yet to be Governor. It seems like they'll give just about anyone a Senate seat these days and no one, I mean no one, pays attention to the House of Representatives. I could get a House seat with no problem and camp out there for decades if I wanted to. But that's the rub, isn't it? Why in blazes would I want to? Let's break it down, shall we?

A member of the House of Representatives currently makes $174,000, with the Majority and Minority leaders pulling in just south of $300,000. After five years of service (a cinch) each representative is eligible for lifetime health insurance, pension and social security benefits. Woop-dee-freakin'-doo. Seriously, I rake in more than that in one speaking engagement, let alone all the book money I couldn't stop from flowing into my life if I had the financial equivalent of the Hoover Dam. Really, book money. It's just me, J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer on the list of people who can actually get rich by selling books to Americans. I guarantee at least half of the people who buy my books just let them sit on the damn coffee table without cracking them even once. But I don't care. No sir, not one bit. Personally, I've never read either of my books. They're not intended for reading, they're intended to make me richer than Jesus (or at least all those folks who claim to work for him).

And another thing, being a national representative requires living in Washington D.C., or near it. Yeah, ok, Alexandria is nice. Ya know what else is nice? The way it's sunny and in the 70's for about eight months out of the year in California. Who in their right mind wants to live and work in a run-down cemetery like D.C. when there are so many more interesting places to make a home in America, or for that matter in a lot of different places around the world? Right now I could hop a jet, first class, to Paris and no one would bat an eye. Hell, Sanford had to make up a massive web of lies just to go to Rio for a few days. Politics is a ball and chain. Don't let anyone say otherwise.

So, am I going to run for political office any time soon? You can bet your top dollar and precious reproductive organs I'm not gonna. I've got a good thing going here and there's no sign that the gravy train is going to stop for the foreseeable future. It doesn't matter what I do when I'm a private citizen. I could show up in Times Square and start mashing bananas on my head and the only thing that would do is get me more press. I don't want the so-called power of office and I don't want the responsibility that comes with it. I just want to ride my rocket-powered throne made of hundred-dollar bills as close to the sun as it can take me.