Hi, Sarah. It's me, Malkie. I guess you're, um, a little busy at the moment. I totally understand. Since it's not likely I'm going to get a hold of you any time soon, with us both having such intensely busy schedules, I suppose now is as good a time as any to give you some friendly advice I've been meaning to impart to you for some time now. Being a very in-demand celebrity figure, what with my unmistakable voice and irreplaceable presence in film and occasionally on the stage, I'm used to having cameras shoved in my face on a pretty regular basis. It's all part of the territory. You've been in the national media for a few years now, so, um, Sarah, you should know... things were always going to get pretty ugly. You know what I'm talking about. The candid videos. The cell phones with the little video thingies in them. They're so clever, but also quite dangerous. Dangerous for people like me and, um, now you.

When I first noticed you back in 2007, you reminded me ever just so of my dear friend and colleague Joan Allen in her earliest days at the Steppenwolf Theatre, which I founded. A marvelous talent, Joan, but not very comfortable in her own skin when she was just starting out. It took so much practice, so much coaching, so many Arnold Palmers (her favorite drink, a delicious combination of iced tea and lemonade, you really should try one if you haven't) to get Joan used to being in front of people, working her craft. She would get so sensitive about audience reactions that some nights she would just go to pieces. Now look at her, an accomplished performer if ever there was one. Well, I'm certainly too busy to come hold your hair during every bout of performance anxiety. Would that I had the time, but what will be will be.

It has come to my attention that you recently had a run-in with a fellow who calls himself Hawk. As of this moment, according to Youtube, more than 20,000 other people are aware of this as well. While you have certainly shown some improvement in these situations from how you used to handle them, you still have quite a long way to go before your own performance will net you a supporting role in a Matt Damon movie. This isn't to suggest that Matt isn't incredibly charitable and open-minded... I'm getting away from myself. And...

Hi, Sarah. It's Malkie, again. It seems as though my last message ran a bit too long, so the machine cut me off. I wasn't aware that could still happen. Perhaps consider contacting your service provider to make sure there isn't a glitch in the system. Anyway, as I was saying, the episode with Hawk really didn't go very smoothly. I've considered the possibility that this is partially my fault. When I took you under my wing I should have told you about Hawk. You see, everyone knows him. He gets around to randomly filming all celebrities. He's picked up his pace somewhat since the advent of digital photography. Hawk's eccentricity is something of a test and I'm afraid you didn't perform very well. Also, you should consider traveling separately from Todd. He's a real liability.

I'm trying to be a good friend here, Sarah. I don't want to see you throw away your obvious talent just because you haven't learned how to stand in front of the lens with grace and poise. In future, you'd do best to be more thoughtful.