I don't understand people. Now they are criticizing me for having a cover article just a few weeks after I publicly shamed Newsweek for carrying an article by that horrible man Andrew Sullivan. What part of "Any press is good press" do they not understand?

 

I'm always happy to be given a national soapbox. Especially when it lets me get all sanctimonious and "holier than thou," like the topic of little Trig and his tragic blessing of Down's Syndrome. I love it! It's my second favorite hobby, right behind "killing animals that are just wandering along minding their own business."

No one can call you on it, no matter how crazy over the top you are! I could claim that Trig is the most perfect of all perfect children, the holiest of holies, the only one who will ever go to Heaven. And you know what people would do? Sigh and clutch their hearts. I mean, what are ya gonna do? Tell a mother that her child is ugly and stupid? 

 

(I totally would, if the shoe was on the other foot… but let's not get bogged down in facts, here.)

 

Trig is the ultimate trump card. When they called me on that weirdo gibberish I stammered about Paul Revere, what I should have done was countered with "Well, I had been up late the night before with little Trig, our special miracle blessing child. His Down's Syndrome, you know. It's a challenge." And all those meanies would have backed right off!

 

The only criticism I ever get is, sometimes people think I should be doing more to actually like help the cause of actual people with Down's Syndrome. People not related to me, I mean. Strangers! Can you imagine? For one thing, none of them are the blessing that Trig is. The challenging blessing from God. Second of all, I just don't care. 

 

Down's Syndrome or not, those people need to buck up and get jobs and support themselves. It's the American way. Or maybe they should have had the good judgment to have been born to a multi-millionaire. Either way, it's not my problem. 

 

Sounds too much like work, anyway. Campaigning and stuff. And charity work is my least favorite kind of work. I like to get paid, and those Down's Syndrome foundations, they expect you to speak for free! What, like I'm supposed to bring my own bendy straws? I DON'T THINK SO.