I don't mind those gals pretendin' to be me. I really don't. At least they're pretty. At least they don't dress up some fat guy in drag and trot him out and pretend that he's me. That would be hurtful. I would be hurt. But hey, I like looking at myself, I like hearing myself talk, so what's not to like about a celebrity impersonator, impersonatonating away?

 

The real problem of course is that this HBO movie is based on that terrible book that John Heilermann and Mark Halperin wrote last year about the election. That book was so full of malicious gossip that it squeaked. (Is that the saying? I'm pretty sure that's the saying. What am I saying? Of course that's the saying. Because I just said it, and I never retreat from a phrase, no matter how mangled and bizarre!)

 

Their book said I had trouble understanding basic facts, like "why North Korea and South Korea are different countries." But that's silly. Obviously I am capable of understanding basic facts. I just don't care. I DON'T CARE. That's what nerds are for: to understand basic facts. My job is to get people fired up and lead the charge. Just have the nerds understand the basic facts and point me in the right direction and pull the trigger. 

 

The job of a leader is to lead, not to nerd it up with your nose in a textbook or somethin'. I like leading. I hate learning facts. You want a fact? Look it up on the internet. That's what it's for.

 

But hey, on the up side, at least I'm back in the spotlight, baby! As long as they're talkin' about me, the ball is still in play. 

 

I just wish that I was getting a cut of all this nonsense. I don't understand why they can use my likeness and my name, and not pay me royalties. That's not fair, is it? I mean, I'm all about job creation, like I told Hannity. I just think that when I create a job, I should be getting some of the wealth. 

 

 "Spring for one of my kids' set of braces," though, that's a good one. I love trotting out these phrases that make me sound like a struggling working mother. From my home television studio in a mansion on some of the most expensive property in the state, while wearing a couple thousand dollars in clothes and jewelry. People really eat that "working mom" stuff up with a spoon though, don't they?