Is... is this what I think it is? Did I do it? Ha! This is awesome. I totally just hacked into Sarah Palin's diary. I can't believe this. Christmas has come early for the Olber-Man. Look, I don't know how much time I've got here, so I'm gonna have to make this count. Um, oh geez, I'm so nervous. I mean, I'm in front of a national TV camera every single day but this right here is giving me some old-fashioned jitters. It's not every day you get an opportunity like this. Right, just calm down, Keith. You can do this. This is gonna be great.

Okay, let's start with why I decided to hack into Sarah Palin's "secret" diary. Yeah, real big secret, Sarah. Just like all of your stupid books and Facebook posts, this "secret" diary is just another shameless attempt to draw attention to yourself. And by the way, making your password "rogue" was just stupid. Like no one was ever gonna figure that one out. God, you're just so stupid. I used to think it was crass, juvenile and unbecoming for a journalist, even a pundit (yeah, I'll admit I'm a pundit, no shame there) to start throwing around epithets like that. Yeah, but then it became my job to listen to you be stupid day in, day out for years. Now I don't hesitate to call you any name I feel is appropriate, you empty-headed rube. Ah, but I'm getting away from myself. It's because I hate you, Sarah Palin. That's why I hacked your diary. I'm not a hateful guy, either. There's not a lot of room in Keith Olbermann's heart for hate, so you should know that it takes a pretty special flavor of hate to find a home in these cockles. Let's just say my hate for you fit in so well in my heart that it just made a down payment on a roomy condo around my left ventricle.

See, when I first decided to try to hack your diary, Sarah (and I feel like we can be on a first-name basis because I spend so much time listening to your annoying, nasally, idiot voice), I was going to try to pretend to be you, to write something defamatory or scandalous. Then I heard your speech at Eureka and I realized that nothing I could write, no matter how pants-on-head imbecilic or maddeningly offensive, would be even half as awful as the stuff you write and say on a daily basis. By the time I realized I would never be able to make you look worse than you make yourself look just by being who you are, it was too late. I already had your password and I was already committed to doing this thing. No way was I going to lose my bet with Maddow. And if you think I hate you, well, let's just say Rachel would rather kiss the most special part of a man than spend five minutes listening to you blather on about things you don't understand, which includes just about everything in this big, blue world.

So here I am, letting you know on my own time and without the filter of a cable news station how much I truly despise you. I thought maybe I'd develop some kind of Stockholm Syndrome by now, seeing as I have to dedicate at least an hour of my life every single day to keep up with whatever destructive stupidity you happen to be spreading during that given 24-hour period, but no dice. Not only have I failed to develop even a quantum of sympathy for you and your endless, self-serving tour of meaninglessness around the globe, I have actually reached new levels of disdain for the very mention of your name. I can't even watch Monty Python anymore because just seeing the name "Palin" makes me incapable of laughter or joy, even if the most rational part of me knows it's not referring to you in any way. You stole comedy from me, you abyss that swallows all that is good and true in the world. I hope you choke on your tongue, but that would require you to stop tripping over it every time you open your stupid, collagen-filled mouth.

With Sincerest Ire,

-Keith Olbermann