How I'm Going to Spend My $1.25 Million

Finally, some good luck! Now that I'm sitting pretty in Hollywood (and haven't told a soul), it's about time I got a decent payday. It turns out I'm the most interesting person in America right now and I've got the mega book deal to prove it. Suck on that, Kate Gosselin! Anyway, just like my main homie Biggie used to say before some hatin' wanna-G with no sense of honest patriotism laid him out, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm sitting on a buck twenty-five with a serious multiplier on its tail, so now I've got to spend some time figuring out what to do with it. Here's what I've got so far.

So, first things first, the pad they've got me in has got to go. That's what they call it out here, a pad. Isn't that adorable? Well, the digs my manager picked out for me might have been good for a former Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential Candidate, but I'm in a totally different head space now. I mean, Oprah and everything. Tomorrow I'm gonna head on out to Maine Street where my people real people live. Yeah, Maine Street, it's really very nice. I like it better than Vermont Avenue (better view) but I still don't quite have the cash for Connecticut Boulevard... yet. Now I know why everybody on the campaign trail was talking about it. I'm gonna get my hands on one of those cute condos with the swimming pools. I just can't live without a swimming pool anymore.

Next I think I might grab myself a Prius. I know what they'll all say, I can see the vicious tabloid headlines now. Sarah Palin in a Prius, she sure has gone Hollywood! Yeah, well, I'm not about to get the Chevy Volt. I've still got some Alaska oil to support and I'm not about to lose my Dior shirt paying the stupid gas prices in this city!

Speaking of fashion, my threads are so November 2008. If I don't get my old-label behind down to Rodeo Drive in the next week I'll run out of respectable duds. I don't mind dropping ten or twenty thousand for some decent clothes, especially since I can probably write them off as a work-related expense.

After all that, I think I might give some money to George Clooney for one of those black people charities he's always talking about. Maybe Darfur or whatever. Is that still happening? I'll ask Joe about that one. He seems to be up on that kind of thing, since Barry's all busy with work these days. I mean, I try to be a caring person and everything, but sometimes I just wanna get mine, ya know? It's high time Sarah Palin got out of the six-figure gutter. A star's gotta live like one, not just for herself but for her public. I've got an image to maintain, after all.

Now, if I could just remember where I put my Sugar-Free Red Bull and Kashi energy bar. I don't want to be all sluggish for my 10:30 spray tan.