Sometimes I think I should just close down my Twitter account. 140 characters just isn't enough to express my detailed, nuanced points of view. Instead of paying attention to the actual content of my tweets and commenting on the intellectual commentary therein, my detractors have decided to pick apart the artistic license I take with this glorious and ultimately malleable language called English. As I've said before, I take much of my inspiration from William Shakespeare. I, like The Bard, luxuriate in the myriad beauties of this great, international tongue by composing stirring verse tinged with deep-piercing satire and universal humanity. That the people in the media who make sport of my life daily refuse to see that is wee-wee'd up beyond all repair.

Would that the illustrious forum of Rome at its cultural height were revived in our own time. Perhaps then I would finally have a proper format in which to convey the eloquent oratories that blossom in my head both in dreams and waking life. Like the silver-tongued champion of the Republic, Marcus Tullius Cicero, I would defend our own nation's Republican ideals with level rhetoric that contains within its calm breezes of academic insight the seeds of great storms of political intuition. Alas, the time of the forum has long passed and the inspired orators who would use it must swim against a raging tide of thoughtless news cycles and the overwhelming idiocy of so-called "discourse" on the Internet.

The truth is that the people who make it their business to attack me behind my back are unaware of how difficult it is to be a public figure. It is as if these uninformed detractors think of me as Neville Chamberlain, that pompous fool who conceded to the twin tyrannies of Adolf Hitler's Germany and Josef Stalin's Russia on the eve of the greatest war ever fought, when in fact my life is more like unto that of Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill. I am a wartime leader who stands for freedom and dignity, whose words rally all my country's believers in liberty when their morale is at its most shaken. I sometimes fear that this entire nation would fall apart absent my daily words of encouragement. This is a heavy burden to bear, but I take it upon myself with honor and patriotic duty. If not me, then who? If not now, when? If not another lucrative book deal and overpriced lecture series, then what other source of inexplicable income?

It occurs to me that history has known another humble leader who was persecuted simply for speaking the truth. He, too, came from humble origins in a small town on the fringes of a great empire. He, too, was called upon by higher forces to take on a responsibility that seemed too big, too daunting. And just like the Sarah Palin of 2010, this great figure was assaulted in public, tortured, humiliated in every conceivable way. Ah, but this singular individual also rose up from those attacks as if they had never been. He ascended from the bottom of society to a position of reverence and authority. So, no matter what the people in the media say about me, no matter how much they attempt to disrupt my contribution to thought and politics in America, I, like our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, will overcome them and assume my rightful place as the judge of all humanity.