You know, Ronald Reagan's "eleventh commandment" was that "thou shalt not attack a fellow conservative." And now you can see how flippin' far we have gotten from Reagan's shiny brilliant future, because conservative filmmaker John Ziegler, who has supported me in the past, now thinks I should be SUSPENDED from Fox News.

 

The worst part is that he thinks I oughta be suspended in the interest of fairness! How is it fair that I should not be allowed to take the national stage and speak on issues of the dang day? It's NOT fair, that's how! Obviously nothing would be as unfair as kicking me off Fox News. I would find that extremely unfair. EXTREMELY.

 

Ziegler's line of reasoning, in so far as it is not reasonable, is about how Fox News kicked Santorum and Gingrich off as commentators when they announced their intentions to run for the primaries. And that since IN ZIEGLER'S ESTIMATION I am essentially running for office myself, I should get kicked off too.

 

What Ziegler fails to realize is that I HAVE BEEN SUPER SNEAKY about the whole "is she or isn't she running for office." Like over the summer, when I went on tour across America, but I wasn't running for office, I was just driving around in a giant tour bus wrapped with images of the Constitution, and I just coincidentally kept showing up in towns where the other candidates happened to be on the campaign trail. And maybe I gave a speech or two, you know, just to connect with the real heartland of America, because I love America so much. AMERICA. 

 

And totally no one saw through it! Because I am a real genius, you see. Always thinking four or five steps ahead, that's me. I'm like that Sherlock fella, but without the, you know, that thing he put on his head, that funny hat. Oh, and without the cocaine, of course. WINK WINK.

 

If Ziegler wants to call my bluff, then so be it. I call his, too. I call his bluff so hard, he might as well be wearing antlers in hunting season. If ya know what I mean! (I don't mean kill him. Let's not have another Gabrielle Giffords moment, here. I just mean BLAM SHUT UP BLAM BLAM.)

 

But luckily I don't have to, because since when has anyone been able to see through one of my ruses? I'm so clever, I am convinced no one will get what I'm up to, even with Ziegler trying to point out the obvious. HA HA HA.