Oh, diary, I am just so excited! This is a dream come true, the biggest and most important thing that has ever happened to me! I, Sarah Palin, am going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show! I can't believe it's finally happening. I just say it to myself over and over again, all day long. In fact, I even got myself one of those digital voice recorders so I could play it back to myself whenever I wanted. Well, I didn't really get one just now. John got one for me back when we were on the campaign trail. He said something about practicing my speeches. Yeah, like I need any practice with my public speaking skills!

Now that I think about it, being on Oprah is really better than everything else, ever. I've been lucky enough to do a bunch of pretty cool things in my life, but I just can't think of a single one that is better than going on national television to talk with the Oprah Winfrey.

For example, almost becoming the Vice President of the United States of America. I mean, that was super rad and everything, but a lot about it sucked a big, fat one, too. I got some really kickin' clothes out of the deal (and I totally kept them) and the hotel rooms... oh, the hotel rooms. Seriously, it's not the 1800's over here, I can't even take a bath without massaging jets anymore. But I also had to talk to so many annoying people and the aids wouldn't leave me alone no matter what I said. Also, ya know, not winning was a total drag. Compare that to going on Oprah, which is pretty much winning straight away.

It was awesome to have kids... or at least that's what I'm supposed to say, right? Let's be honest here, having kids kinda blows. Squeezing a small, bony person out your hoo-hah is about as fun as it sounds and then the thing just screams and craps itself for a few years. After sixteen long years of birthday parties and having to explain every little thing, what thanks do I get? She goes and gets herself knocked up by some hick who's hot in the biscuit to parade around in a gay nudie mag. "Like Playboy for chicks", Levi? Puh-leez.

And being Governor of Alaska? It was great for about three days, then every single day after that sucked a little more than the last. Everybody asked me why I quit early. Seriously, just spend a week in Alaska. Let's see, I could spend the next two years sitting in a cheap chair and stamping things, or I could jet around the world being awesome. Big decision, that one. Governors of Alaska don't get to go on Oprah, that's for sure.

So, ya know what? Being a guest on the Oprah show is really the best thing that ever happened to me. It's gonna be deep-fried gold on a stick of wolf jerky. And I might get a free car, too.