I should have known that going to a place like a university in California (where Hollywood is) would be nothing but one big mess of liberal persecution. I take time out of my very busy schedule to serve up a slice of wisdom to these stupid kids and all I get in thanks is a bunch of bad press because of some libelous "shredded documents" they supposedly found that make me seem like some sort of spoiled celebrity. That, and around $100K in foundation courtesy. But I've never been one to hide my true self from the public. After all, they elected me to my current position. I'll cop to a few of the supposed "demands" on my speaking engagement agreement. Why? Because, damn it, I will not apologize for my undying love for bendy straws.

Let's break this one down, shall we? I fly all over the country, not because I love basking in what some have called meaningless, inexplicable fame. Oh, and it has nothing to do with the loads of huge paychecks I accrue across the period of a year, hell a month. No, I do it because the public demands it. Who am I to deny the American people the leadership and inspiration they need to get through these difficult years? That's why I don't think it's unreasonable to require what is objectively the most superior drinking aid in existence. I will not buckle on this issue the way Obama buckled on health care. It's too damn important.

Now look, I like a novelty twisty straw as much as the next girl. I have an impressive collection of them at home. No, not in Alaska. That's just where my family lives. I'm talking about my awesome, new, three-storey condo in Aspen. I got that one, as the kids say, on the down low because I don't want to be hounded by the press just because I've decided to invest in the housing market a few times in the past twelve months. I am, after all, earning enough to not get into this ugly predatory mortgage business. I keep it clean by paying in cash.

But that's not the point. The point is bendy straws. I'm not going to stand on a stage in front of the future elite of the nation sipping my water (or if I had my way, Hawaiian Punch) out of a five-curve Scooby Doo special. I have my dignity. That and I'm not naive enough to believe that everyone appreciates the perfection of the entire classic Hanna-Barbera line. I'm also not going to appear on stage with a regular straw. What am I, some housewife driving through Mickey-Dee's in between my soaps?

And as for the Lear Jet, well that's just a matter of time and resource. Why spend five hours in transit when you can do it in three? I mean, come on, what do they want me to do, fly coach? Those people would tear me apart and I would look just awful for my speaking engagement. There's no point in doing college gigs if you look like one of the students who show up to class in their jammy-jams. I'm supposed to be the successful adult, right? I do Lear Jets for the same reason I do bendy straws. I need to be at my best at all times, so I demand the best from my hosts.