A lot of people have heard that Kate Gosselin and her kids are coming up to Alaska to go camping with me and my family. What they don't know is the true reason why Kate is coming north with her vile brood. The real story is that I've got a big bone to pick with that harpy and her stupid hair extensions. If we met on her turf we'd probably get hauled off by the fuzz for something stupid and liberal like "child endangerment". That's why we're gonna be throwing down in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness. Even if someone called a ranger, which they probably wouldn't because we settle our problems like warriors in the land of the midnight sun, it'd take the jerk pigs a couple hours to get where we're going. Two vicious hockey moms are going to enter the forest but only one is going to come out. Here's a hint for you gamblers in the room: I've got an appointment the next day I plan on keeping.

I want to make it clear that this isn't going to be a trap. Kate knows exactly what she's getting in to. We've been talking about having a good, old-fashioned gladiatrix battle for a long time now. She'll be bringing her best for the event. I have it on good authority that she used to carry a full-length halberd but wasted it on Jon a few months back. Now it's chained to a rock at the bottom of the Hudson with DNA evidence in an attempted murder rap Kate's trying to beat. Stupid cow should have had the foresight to use a smelting furnace for the job. The NYPD is an unshakable beast. I know from experience. Word has it Kate's been asking around about an antique Nodachi blade that is famed to have killed 170 ninja. The Goz never could say no to a compensatory weapon. That's why I plan on getting in close with my array of Cutlery Corner knives. They may be cheap but I'd rather bury a $10 buck horn butterfly in that skank's neck than one of my decorative ritual daggers.

The actual fight will be the final event in a series of spiritual and physical tests. We will walk on hot coals, savage the internals of a bear with only our hands and then commune with the spirits while wearing its entrails. Our bloodlust piqued and our souls purified in the fires of emotional anguish, Kate and I will step into a circular pit of sand lined in sharpened sticks where we will engage each other in mortal combat. Fire will light our meeting, an addition I made for the benefit of our audience. Normally I would opt to fight in the natural darkness of the night, but I want Kate's children to witness their weak mother's downfall. I feel sorry for them, actually. They have a worthless, self-proclaimed queen for a mother, one who will never be able to teach them the importance of the ways of war, the beauty of your opponent's blood splattered on your face, the glory of standing on the corpses of your fallen enemies in victory. Make no mistake, I have no plans to adopt those eight miscreants. I will simply leave them to fend for themselves in this harsh, meaningless world.

I'm uncertain whether or not TLC will use the footage they acquire during the trip. I have no intention of stopping them from filming. Any who stand in my way will be dispatched, though I don't expect any obstacles. TLC treats human cruelty with the academic detachment of nature documentarians. Regardless, I want the tapes for my private collection.