I turned on the TV today and ya know what I heard? That old gas bag Lou Dobbs says he's gonna try to run for President in 2012. Well, let me tell you something, that fat boy has never run for anything in his entire pudgy life, so he better not start now unless he wants to have a heart attack trying to outrun a slender, campaign-trail-tested political Olympiad like me. I've had my eye on 2012 ever since John's people wrapped me up in designer duds. Lou Dobbs better check himself before he wrecks himself in a race against yours truly.

I am so much more qualified than Lou Dobbs for the presidency of the United States. I beat him in a walk, or at least that's what all of my very well-paid analysts say. Let's break it down, shall we?

Education

Lou Dobbs went to Hoity-Toity East Coast Lawyer Factory University, or as they like to call it, "Harvard". He started law school but he never finished. Huh, quitter. And ya know where he went? To a school in Moscow! Sure, it was Moscow, Idaho and word has it that the University of Idaho is all accredited and stuff. BFD. He can't hold a candle to my globetrotting educational history.

Oh, wait. I went to the University of Idaho, too. Totally forgot about that. I also went to Hawaii Pacific University, which was so pretty and the parties were amazing. Like, every single night. Sure, I eventually wound up in North Idaho College and never finished there, either, but that's what happens when fate tugs your pretty behind to the Miss Wasilla Pageant then the Miss Alaska Pageant. It was just a few years and a short road to Matanuska-Susitna College in beautiful Palmer, Alaska to get me my journalism degree. America doesn't need some guy with an economics degree in office. I mean, I think the economists have done enough damage already.

Work History

Lou ain't got nothing on me in this category. One of us was a mayor of a small Alaska town who escaped multiple ethics charges and supported the building of a really nice bridge, and it sure as hell wasn't Dobbs. I was also governor of a little state, you might have heard of it, called Alaska. Yeah, the biggest state in the union, baby! All Dobbs ever did was fight poverty in rich old Boston where there probably isn't any poor people anyway then he jerked around on TV for, like, thirty years. He's been sucking at the teat of that liberal rag CNN for a long time, but he's quit there, too. Twice, actually.

Me? I ran for a little something called Vice President of the United States and I'm, like, a huge star these days. I was on Oprah and she was so impressed that she decided to quit just a year and a half after I was on the show. Also, I'm prettier than he is, which counts as work because it's not easy to stay pretty.

Political Views

Lou Dobbs doesn't know what side he's on. Pro-choice and strict about immigration? Sounds like somebody's pretty confused. He's all for gay marriage but he hates the Wall Street Bailout and I bet he loves chocolate but can't stand Snickers bars. The American people like consistency and I am definitely that. Yeah, I'm as red as a person can be. I mean, red like Red State Republican and not red like Communists. My views are totally conservative. Boy oh boy, do I ever have views. I have so many views I don't know what to do with them. Yes sir, piles of views. If my life was an existing TV show and not its own TV show like it ought to be, it'd be The View and I'd be every single member of the panel. Views.

So, yeah, I'm totally gonna kick Lou Dobbs in his big, CNN-fed posterior when he tries to go toe-to-toe with me in 2012. America's gonna need somebody to handle the post-apocalyptic world and I bet Dobbs isn't even reading up on all the crazy stuff that's gonna go down. After I watched that incredible documentary that just hit the theaters, I knew it was time to prepare myself, and my country, for the inevitable disaster. I've already got a plan to rebuild the Statue of Liberty when a tidal wave destroys it. Two words: Katrina Victims.

2012, here I come. Lou Dobbs better sleep with one eye open.