I'm quite proud of the Christmas wish that my ghost writer cooked up for my Facebook account today. In it I explicitly wish everyone a merry Christmas, whether they want one or not. 

 

Now granted, about 70% of Americans are Christian, and a lot more than 70% celebrate Christmas. And sure, I just wished the Jews a happy Hanukah just the other day. But whatevs, as Piper would say. My point is, YOU WILL HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS COME HECK OR HIGH WATER. Got it?

 

I really don't understand why everyone can't celebrate Christmas, whether or not they believe in Jesus Christ or in the Christian faith. I mean, Christmas is all about being peaceful and understanding and forgiving and stuff. WHY WON'T THEY LISTEN. 

 

I'll tell you what really chaps my hide, though, and that's when people tell you when and how and why you can worship. Like those big stupid babies who throw a temper tantrum over a manger display! No, I don't know who those temper tantrum-throwers are. No, I'm not sure that's a real thing. But I just thought about it, and it made me super angry! I know, right? Doesn't imagining something like that just make your blood boil? 

 

But in case you were wondering, this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from when I told those Muslims they shouldn't build a mosque in the shadow of 9/11. (What? I said "shadow"! Those were tall buildings! Their shadows went really far! They totally reached half a mile away to the mosque's proposed location, I bet.) In that case, it's a religion that I don't believe in, and it's a violent religion that advocates violence and warfare and has been the cause of so much bloodshed over the centuries.

 

Not like Christianity! No way! Christianity is all about peace and love and the message of the baby Jesus! Who by the way was born to an unwed mother. I mean, that doesn't make it right. I'm just saying: baby Jesus. 

 

So that is my Christmas message in a nutshell. No, I won't forgive people or find it in my heart to be gentle and welcoming and understanding this season. That is not what Christmas is about! It is about everyone doing what I say they should do, and I say they should worship Jesus Christ as their personal savior. I mean, duh! At LEAST recognize the beauty of the sentiment. I insist upon it. No really, I INSIST.