Ain't no party like a Tea Party party 'cuz a Tea Party party got more snow than Alaska in winter. We call 'em Red States but they're more like White States and I don't mean in a racist way. Why you gotta say that Sarah? 'Cuz Red States got all the yay. Rolling down K Street in my motorcade, ice on my fingers, ice on my neck, ice hanging off my ears, yeah, more stones than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards hanging out in quarry, that's how I do. Sean Hannity in the back seat rolling J's, a Glock in my pocket 'cuz you never know what might go down in the Capitol. Why you in a hurry, Sarah? Wake up, homes, Sarah's gotta make a delivery. I'm talking the pure sugar, the White Lady, the chick Eric Clapton had to sing about and David Bowie couldn't resist. Don't look so surprised, G. You think I roll the way I do on a guest lecturer's salary? I only write those books so I can move my product in the boxes. Yeah, going rogue on the coke market, slinging more stuff than even Glenn Beck can snort on his best day. I don't front, I don't hate and I don't play the game. Bitch, I own it.

So, Mike Huckabee swinging his cojones around on cable TV, using his Fox News writers to dis me? Shit, Huckabee, you gonna have to try a lot harder than that. A gram? That's just how I wake up in the morning, son, that's my grande venti with soy milk and a sprinkle of cinnamon. A gram's what Sarah does on a slow night. Scarface ain't got shit on me. If I stuck my nose in that pile Tony Montana had on his desk, it'd be just a swept-clean memory by the time I was done. There ain't enough coca leaves in Colombia to satisfy my needs. I'm a soldier, Huckabee. I'll clamp your jaws down on the curb and make you eat your teeth, so don't push me.

Yeah, the Tea Party summit was off the hook, thanks to me, of course. I slide on up to the red carpet, seeing all those flags waving red, white and blue, with an emphasis on white. Soon as I showed up the rumor started spreading. Just hang your flag outside your hotel room door if you want service from the best. I walked into that conference with a kilo and walked out with some pocket money for the rest of the weekend. Me and the boys got up in the club around midnight, started popping corks on magnums of Cristal and buying the whole damn room glasses of C&C, that's cognac and coke (the fizzy brown kind, not the candy I sell). The bill was longer than my arm, but that don't matter when you've got Bennies like me. Always more where that came from.

Sometimes when my homies lose their heads they ask me, "Sarah, ain't you afraid of getting pinched for all that hustle you flow?" And I just say, "Nah, blood. It's all good." Wanna know why? 'Cuz I got it all on the lock-down. Let's just say two of my best customers have spent a lot of time working in an office that's a bit rounder than most. I'm untouchable, Huckabee. That makes one of us. So maybe before you decide to go on TV telling the world about my yay outfit, you oughtta think about what a stone cold gangsta like me has had to do to make her business thrive. Try to imagine that and then multiply it by a hundred. That's what I'd be happy to do to your little side gig slinging horse to bums in downtown D.C. Check yourself before I wreck yourself, Huckabee.