Finally, after so much hard work and struggle in the cruel gears of Hollywood, the importance of my presence on television has been recognized. I knew all those hours I put in producing "Main Street America with Sarah Palin" would pay off. Now that I've got my contract with Fox News I can put some of my ideas on the air where they belong. That's right, Palin's in the house and it's time to do some major remodeling.

First things first, I've gotta have my own set. Not that the sets on Fox News aren't great and everything, but I'm not some blonde floozy or a pudgy racist with a close-cropped haircut. No, I'm gonna need something a little more substantial, respectable, classy. Yeah, that's the word, classy. I want a desk made out of the same wood as Ronald Reagan's coffin with a giant gold eagle emblem on the front. That's gonna be my logo. A giant gold eagle. With a still-beating heart in its talons.

Now, for my main political commentary show I'll need at least, let's say five, wing back chairs upholstered in burgundy leather resting on a carpet of crushed velvet so my guests can sit in comfort when I'm talking with them about really important topics like freedom and social security and whatever. As for my chair, I'm thinking something along the lines of an armchair with a twelve-foot tall back, preferably carved out of a single piece of pure ebony and inlaid with platinum decals. And a cup holder. It's gotta have a cup holder for my Nestea.

I think it'd be a good idea to hire one artist to do all my backgrounds, ya know, so I can build a consistent brand. There's no need to confuse my viewers by making them wonder whether they're watching three or four different shows that have nothing to do with one another. Sure, "Main Street America with Sarah Palin" is gonna be one thing and "Mo' Money, Mo' Sarah" is gonna be another, but in this day and age with the Internet and the iPods it's better for stuff to just be smooth and seamless. What's important to the viewers is that they're getting the Sarah Palin perspective, so I plan on creating a trustworthy brand they can all follow regardless of content.

Now that I've got my contract with Fox News I can finally put my five-year media plan into action. Sure, they say that I'll only be on for the occasional segment, but that's just the beginning. By the end of Year One I'll have all my shows in order (Main Street America; Mo' Money, Mo' Sarah; Globospective in Palinvision; Alternative Presidency Hour), then Year Two will be all about building the ratings and becoming the President of the United States. In Year Three I'll maneuver to capture a majority market share in the Fox News Corporation, followed by a Year Four buyout of all the other cable news channels. Finally, Year Five will see the launch of the Global Sarah Palin Entertainment Conglomerate through which I'll finally have the means to move the capitol to Anchorage and build the new Presidential Palace.

And then, after so much planning and hard work, I'll finally have the world's greatest indoor water slide.