Well, Ted Stevens is gone and with him goes the last shred of dignity left in politics, at least in Alaska. Teddy was a real hard-ass, an old-fashioned ball buster who would have made sure the trains ran on time if Alaska ever really went full-bore into the whole mass transit thing. I'm gonna miss the old codger. I mean, not him personally. Nobody liked Ted. He wasn't a likable guy. He ate endangered species and scared children for fun. Everyone in Congress was terrified of him because he once chewed off an intern's face for disagreeing with him. Literally, chewed his face right off with those bizarre, silver-tipped crowns of his. Ted Stevens, a real monster, but our monster. With him gone, the state of American politics is about to teeter right off the edge into some kind of special Hell. A special Hell where Levi Johnston is king.

When I heard that Levi was planning on running for mayor of Wasilla, I spat my searing-hot almond milk latte right into Tucker's lap. It wasn't just the surprise and I could have spat it in any number of other, more appropriate directions, and strictly speaking I didn't have to pour the rest of the cup into Tucker's lap, but it just felt right at the time. I don't question my gut and I'm pretty sure Tucker's going to be fine with that salve the doctor gave him. Seriously, how could Levi do this? It's like he's made it his life's goal to ruin everything I've ever touched. Bristol is screwed up six ways from Sunday and McCain's never going to fully recover from all of those cruel (and violent) practical jokes. The kid is some kind of devil.

The troubling thing is that Levi might actually win in Wasilla. I'm speaking from a place of experience when I say that the people of Wasilla aren't exactly the most politically aware folks on Earth. If enough of them have heard the name, they'd vote for a half-eaten piece of cheese. Normally I'd say that nothing much would come from Levi's tenure as mayor of that little, podunk town, except that it somehow catapulted me into the Governor's mansion and then to international stardom. I still don't know how that happened. Boggles my mind daily.

For all of the above reasons (and also because I have a 2 for 1 coupon that's about to expire), I've decided I'm going to have Levi assassinated if he wins. There isn't room enough in this world for both of us if Levi's path is even marginally similar to mine. I'd have to compete with him for speaking engagements, book tours and the occasional reality TV show appearance. That crap won't fly while I'm manning the battlements.

The funny part is that Levi doesn't even know what he's getting himself into. I might just have the assassins guild hold off for a few months so that stupid kid can know the sheer misery of being the head honcho of, I'm not joking, the single worst town in the United States. Oh, it'll seem like a cushy job for a few days, but it's only a matter of time before the masses start demanding incredibly stupid stuff like a creamed corn festival or a bridge to a rainbow "so's they kin git that thar gold what them little Irish fellers bin hidin' tax-free." Yeah. Ever wondered about the famous Bridge to Nowhere? Now you have your answer. Rainbows. Good luck, Levi. You're gonna need it.