I know my handlers keep on telling me that it's been a year since I've actually been a real politician and that it just makes me look foolish to keep putting my hand into the political developments of places and people who have absolutely nothing to do with me, but I just couldn't let the press say those awful things about Nikki Haley. Everyone knows that state affairs in South Carolina have always been heavily concerned with professionalism and dignity, so as a Republican and an American citizen I take great offense at Will Folks and his claims that he had an inappropriate physical relationship with my good friend Nikki. I have decided to write today in her defense.

First and foremost, I want to make it clear that Nikki Haley never had any sexual or otherwise inappropriate physical contact with Will Folks. I know this for a fact because Will was only in Nikki's presence out of public view just once and I happened to be there, too. It was at a beautiful South Carolina property that I am under contractual obligation to keep anonymous, though I am allowed to say that Nikki and many of her friends and associates gather there once a month for private, though perfectly legal, recreational activities. Now, I can't claim to have kept my eye on Nikki during the entire evening, but I can confirm that Mr. Folks was in my own personal presence for the whole night. And let me tell you, it would have been rather difficult for him to have inappropriate physical contact with Nikki while I rode him as my own personal donkey slave, complete with man-sized saddle, stirrups and spurs. Folks, or as I called him that night "Slave Jackass", was never out of my control. He couldn't have even said anything offensive to Nikki thanks to that ball gag.

It may not be national knowledge, but a significant portion of the upper-crust in Columbia, SC are well aware of Nikki Haley and her reputation as the undisputed queen of orgies. For Folks to claim that Nikki went behind her husband's back to have a sexual relationship is entirely out of character for her. Nikki has never, ever had a sexual relationship of which her husband was not aware. In fact, she's had only a few that Mr. Haley didn't personally witness and, if I may be so bold as to assume based on visible signs, quite enjoyed.

The truth is that Will Folks is just jealous. You see, Folks always wanted Nikki's special kind of attention but she never invited him onto her tarp. After years of begging, Nikki finally let Will attend one of her get-togethers but there was no way she was going to let him within her personal space. He was a bit below her station. I don't have time to explain the intricate details of the orgy hierarchy, just suffice it to say that Will Folks would never qualify as much more than somebody else's mode of transport.

So, I hope my testimony clears the air about the entirely false claims by Will Folks that he ever had a physical relationship with Nikki Haley. It's bad enough that Folks has endangered Nikki's political career, but if these allegations continue there might even be some detrimental effects to the June gathering. I have it on good authority that Nikki just bought an automatic lube dispenser, so Folks will have its neglect on his conscience should his lies persist.