We knew that eventually someone would raise the question, why did Todd endorse someone, while I haven't? Why did Todd pick Newt Gingrich? And how did I feel about it? Like, did he go behind my back with this?

 

Idiotic questions, to be sure. What, do they think we in the Heartland are a bunch of numbskulls, the way Michelle Obama does? With her fancy-dancy Harvard law degree? HA.

 

But it's funnier to pretend like Todd "went rogue" with this one. First of all, I got to refer to him as the "First Dude." Which is not only a funny thing to say, but it also reminds people that I used to be governor. Well, governor and a half, I guess. (It's a hard job! You don't know!) 

Second of all, it makes people think we're like the Lockhorns or something, like Todd went out on his own and did this crazy madman thing while I'm at home with my hair in curlers, tapping a rolling pin in the palm of my hand and waiting for him to get back.

 

(He really IS a rogue, by the way. In the dictionary sense. As in, a philandering, drinking, bickering jerk. But I love him anyway. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

 

As if Todd would ever do anything without my approval. I mean sure, we had some rocky times back in the day. I winged my share of canned goods at his head. But these days, Todd knows that I am his meal ticket, and he defers to me accordingly. We make these decisions together, by which I mean that I told him to go endorse Newt Gingrich because I thought it would be funny, and get me on television again, and also because Newt Gingrich is not a Mormon.

 

He's a "steel toed boots on the ground" kinda guy! With a connectivity to the working class! Sure, he has a staggering Tiffany's bill. But who doesn't? What kind of heartlander doesn't keep a half million dollars in revolving credit at Tiffany's? 

 

Godless liberals, that's who. The rest of us, God-fearing good-hearted working folk, we stimulate the economy. We buy high-priced snowmobiles, and sparkly necklaces, and $1200 pairs of shoes. We fly First Class! Because it trickles down! Jobs! America! AMERICA.

 

Anyway, I promised Todd if he endorsed Newt that I would take him out to ice cream, so I gotta get goin'.