I finally agreed to speak as the CPAC keynote speaker, and gosh, wasn't I just the belle of the dang ball? I had refused their invitation in the last few years, because I was feuding with that evil dude who runs it. But he's gone now, so I agreed to grace them with my presence, so long as they provided bendy straws, a hefty speaking fee, airfare, luxury hotel accommodations, all that usual piddly stuff.

 

I think it went really well! No doubt one of the best public speeches of the century. I bet it will be in textbooks some day. My words have that much power, that much resonance with the American public. And I threw some rhymes in there, too! Just to make it a little more catchy.

 

Originally I was going to go with the old standby, "roses are red, violets are blue, President Obama we're sick of you." Because Valentine's Day is coming up, you know! I thought it would be both cute, charming, and timely. But my speech writers got hold of it, and they tied that stuff up into the Tea Party, and wow! Didn't they do a great job! Red white and blue!

 

They keep telling me not to use my "pointy fingers." I have to admit, I forgot their advice until halfway through the speech. I was waving those pointy fingers all around. Then I tucked them in, and just waved my fists instead. I don't know why they think that's better, but they do. Less dang authoritative, less "you've been a bad child." 

 

Of course, before we could get to the good part, a bunch of those Occupy crybabies tried to interrupt me. Lucky for me, my adoring fans drowned them out by chanting "USA! USA!" Because you know the Occupy babies don't love the USA. They hate it. That's why they are trying to destroy it. 

 

I'm still holding out my endorsement, though. It's pretty much the only power I have left. Why would I give it up so soon in the race? Plus, I keep hoping Newt will ask me to be something more than "Secretary of Whatever." Like Vice President of his moon base! THEN I'll endorse him. 

 

I'm holding out for the highest bidder, basically. Can you blame me? I'm a working mom with a developmentally disabled child! Do you want me to trot little Trig out here so you can feel bad about being such a meanie? I DIDN'T THINK SO.