Oprah: Nice Person, or Nicest?

Oh, diary, I am so glad I can finally start talking to everybody about how wonderful Oprah was to me! She just went above and beyond when I was on the show. I was expecting the Godiva chocolates in the green room because I heard from John Mayer about them (John is so dreamy), but the massages and not having to answer for my numerous public humiliations was a nice bonus.

On the day of the interview, I woke up to the sweet sounds of a river gently flowing in the permanent spring of a magical valley. It was Oprah's patent-pending Favorite Things Alarm Fountain. She had her squad of courtesy ninjas infiltrate my home in the night and leave one by my bedside along with the head of the squirrel that has been ruining my bird feeder. It was wrapped in an origami lotus that was just exquisite.

When I stepped into the shower I discovered that the ninjas also left me some special Cambodian soap that is technically illegal in the United States because it contains shavings from the beak of a protected species of crane. My skin just glowed. I was gonna rustle up some breakfast on my own, but Oprah's people already had a car waiting. I don't know how she found out that Hummer limos are my favorite, but sure enough there was one waiting on my block flanked by faceless guards carrying decommissioned Israeli firearms. They even let me take out the Dobsons' mailbox with one.

When we got to the studio I was greeted by a set of Swedish triplets named Oskar, Sven and Ingrid who gave me a truly remarkable full-body massage (no funny stuff) while feeding me paper-thin slices of venison and fresh mango cubes. Afterward I lay in a silk robe with cucumber slices on my eyes while Rick, one of the aids, went over exactly what Oprah was going to talk about. The stack of papers in his hands had the word "script" in big block letters but when I asked, "Hey, is that the script for this show, the one I'm going to be on in a few minutes?" he just had this blank stare for a few seconds and then he said, "No, it is not." Funny kid, that Rick.

And what can I say about that interview? Oprah really helped put the never-ending parade of misunderstandings that is my life into perspective. It was almost like she was guiding me into answers that would vindicate me. Oprah is just such a good interviewer, not like that Katie Couric, or Matt Lauer, or Charlie Gibson, or those people from TIME Magazine. It's funny that I had to wait until after the election to get a halfway decent journalist in front of me? Where was Oprah in 2008?

Anyway, the interview was just great and I just loved all the hospitality Oprah showed me. Sure, when the show was over she didn't talk to me and my ride home was a beat-up Buick driven by some guy named Hank who threw me out while the car was still moving, but Oprah's too busy a women to wait on little old me hand and foot and amazing place just above my right buttock (thank you kindly, Sven). It was a wonderful experience.