America you've given me millions and now I'm wealthy.

America two campaign managers and a GOP candidate August 27th, 2008.

I can't spell my own thoughts.

America when will you start another oil war?

I miss building atom bombs.

America when will you be evangelical?

When will you be pro-life?

When will you raise taxes on the poor?

When will you be stupid enough for your thousands of Tea Party activists?

America why are your libraries not full of my books?

I'm sick of your spend-o-crat liberals.

When will I be able to walk into a grocery store and see no organic products?

America after all it is I who is perfect and nobody else.

Your regulations are too much for me.

One day they'll make me a saint.

There must be some other way to exploit my family.

Obama's in office I think he'll get re-elected it's sinister.

I refuse to to cave to logic.

America stop voting the rich don't like it.

America the oil platforms are burning.

We should drill new ones.

I still read all the newspapers.

Every day some banker makes another million.

America I feel sentimental about Westboro Baptist Church.

America I used to be fundamentalist when I was a kid.

I still am.

I smoke marijuana but pretend I don't.

I sit in my hotel suite for days on end and order room service on somebody else's dime.

When I go back to Alaska I do photo ops and never visit my friends.

You should have seen me reading Dan Brown and thinking it was good.

America I still haven't told you what I really said to Levi when I heard Bristol was pregnant.

 

Are you going to let your people listen to Fox News?

I'm always on Fox News.

There's a story about me at least once a week.

Its newscasters talk about me like I'm some sort of savior.

They're always telling me about accountability.

Politicians have to be accountable. Businessmen have to be accountable.

Everybody has to be accountable except apparently me.

 

I'd better consider my undeserved resources.

My undeserved resources are $250,000 speaking engagements

Millions in ghost-written book sales

A massive number of pointless PAC contributions

And TV shows that exploit my home state and family.

I say nothing about the underprivileged who have no health care.

I have confused the national dialogue.

Tomorrow I'll confuse the world.

 

America it's them bad terrorists.

Them terrorists them terrorists and them Mexicans.

And them terrorists.

Them terrorists hate our freedom.

Them terrorists want to take away our televisions.

Our news cycle wouldn't be complete without them terrorists.

It's true I don't want to get a real job

Or take responsibility for the damage I do to society.

I'm inarticulate and under-educated anyway.

America I'm putting my pointless shoulder to the wheel.