Ever since I got to Fox News I've had to deal with that pudgy good-for-nothing Glenn Beck. He just had to interview me before anybody else and he hit me with all those stupid questions about Founding Fathers and patriotism. He-llo, Beck! Former Vice Presidential Candidate! I don't need some lesson about patriotism or a bunch of old men in wigs. I'm Sarah freaking Palin. I am America.

But it didn't end there. I see Beck around the office all the damn time. I bet nobody else knows that the guy gets his hair cut every two days. It's costing Murdoch a fortune and Beck writes it off a "visual effects". Yeah, well if Michael Bay got his own "visual effects" at Great Clips for ten bucks then Avatar would like an old episode of South Park. It's just so unfair. When I get my weekly weave it costs me a hundred dollars out of my own pocket. What a joke.

~

From the diary of Glenn Beck, January 2nd 2010

...The boys upstairs have decided to hire Sarah Palin to come onto the network for some reason. Whatevs. I know why the viewers are really tuning into Fox News every day and it ain't for flash-in-the-pan divas like Ms. Too Good For Public Service Palin. I think I'm gonna call in some favors to make sure I get some one-on-one air time with the newbie so I can crack some hard questions across her four-eyed face. I bet she can't even name one of the Founding Fathers.

~

It's pretty clear that Beck isn't happy about me being at the network. Every couple of days I find a mean note taped to my locker. Today it was an index card that said I have herpes in bright-red Sharpie. Seriously, only one person around here even uses a red Sharpie. Glenn's such a jerk. Makes me regret writing his name all over my new binder. I guess I'll just have to get a new one.

~

January 10th 2010

Why is everything so hard? I don't know why I do the thing I do to Sarah, I just have all these funny feelings when she's around and they... they're confusing. I talked to Hannity about it, but he was too busy so I bit the bullet and I asked Colmes. God, I can't believe I actually talked to Colmes. He said that maybe I've got a crush on Sarah, which is stupid. And I told him so. I called Colmes stupid and then I gave him a swirlie. Stupid Colmes.

~

The Fox News Valentine's Day Dance is just a few weeks away and nobody has asked me yet. Maybe I ought to do the 21st century thing and ask a guy myself. Neil Cavuto's kinda cute, but... I dunno. Beck hasn't asked anybody yet, not that I'd wanna go with him. Life has been so weird ever since I got to Fox News. Maybe it'll get easier soon. I sure do hope so.