Now I know that I just wished everybody a merry Christmas whether they wanted it or not. And I spent a lot of time talking about how the baby Jesus is a symbol of hope and peace and goodwill and stuff. But have you SEEN the Obamas' holiday card? OH MY GOD WORST THING EVER AMIRITE???

 

Okay so first of all it's a "holiday card," whatever the heck that is, and not a Christmas card. WAR ON CHRISTMAS. I don't care if people say they are calling it a "holiday card" because they want to be inclusive and respectful of people of all faiths. We all know that only Christians are true Americans. Or at least, the only ones that matter. I don't give a rip about people who call themselves Americans but who are not Christian, or at least willing to keep their mouths shut about it. 

 

(Except the Jews, but I forget why. My advisors just tell me to suck up to Israel a lot, and wish people a happy Hanukah. No, I don't know why they didn't say I should wish people a happy Ramadan or whatever. I guess I would if they told me to. Whatever. Who can keep track?)

 

Second of all, I don't see anything about our foundational values! There is a reason they call those values "foundational"! I'm sure of it! And I'm pretty sure that "foundational" is a word! Because I said so, that's why!

 

Instead of depicting peace and Christian values like family, faith, and freedom, they have their dog, and a poinsettia, and some presents, and a crackling fire, and festive red and green bunting on the hearth. HOW DARE THEY SERIOUSLY IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

 

Now some people might say that "freedom" means "the freedom to celebrate the season however you want," or "the freedom to understand that not all Americans are Christian, and to respect people's faith." SOME PEOPLE. By which I mean, filthy hippies and terrorists. You and I both know, the only freedom in America is the freedom to worship Jesus Christ in as ostentatious a fashion as possible. That's why I joined a charismatic Pentecostal splinter church in the first place: because there's nothing as ostentatiously faith-y as speaking in tongues!

 

But hey, they do things differently in the White House. You and I know it. COUGH MUSLIM COUGH oh excuse me, I think I got some holiday cheer stuck in my throat!