Yeah, I've heard the talk. I've heard the liberal media and all the people who are threatened for some reason by my presence in American culture talking smack about my hot bod. Uh-huh, always some angry chick making some fool claim that Sarah Palin got some work done. And why? Well, it don't have nothin' to do with my political career or my amazing success as a best-selling author. Naw, it's just 'cuz there's always some bitch thinks she all fly that come 'round trying to knock me down 'cuz she afraid of the dangerous amount of milkshake I bring to the yard.

Like, I was down at the dog track, you know, just trying to make my mad money go to work for me, all business. But just 'cuz I'm hustling, making my Benjamins have some babies before the night's over, don't mean I gotta look like I'm giving one of my $250,000 speeches in front of a bunch of churchy Teabaggers. When Sarah's at the track she gotta relax, be cool. So what if I let the twins have a little extra room? If some journalist skank's got a problem with that, she can take it up with God Almighty who saw it fit to give me the girls in all their generosity.

For the record, I ain't never heard of no Dr. Lowenstein from the Beverley Hills Institute of Cosmetic Improvement. To hell with those folks who been going around saying I'm some "regular customer" and noise like that. Double hell to you, Dr. Lowenstein. I was gonna invite your scrawny ass to my Christmas party 'cuz word has it you never have plans on the most important day of the year like the scrub you are. Yeah, well invitation rescinded, Jonah.

And as for all this foolishness about me putting collagen in my lips, that's all it is, foolishness. That's the way the media is, I guess. A girl shows up with some lips that were a bit thicker than they were yesterday and the first word put in print is collagen. Did anyone ever consider that a girl's just gotta indulge her craving for unfortunately non-hypoallergenic chocolate lip gloss every now and then? Just 'cuz my hot body violently rejects a certain preservative compound found in a particular brand of Double Chocolate Orgasm lip moistener and shine improvement agent doesn't mean I've gotta live a life that doesn't include that particular pleasure. I also won't hear no fools who point out that my lips are swollen consistently on the second day of every month, ya know like I got a standing appointment with a doctor or something. Hell no, Sarah Palin's just a creature of routine.

I don't care about what's in fashion, I don't care what the media says, no matter what happens I will never apologize for my rockin' badonkadonk. No woman should ever have to and I am 100% woman... well, except for those extra testosterone supplements I take just before I have to go toe-to-toe with the press. But the rest of me, more woman than all the haters can handle.