I'm not an unreasonable woman. I like to consider myself harsh but fair. I've called you all here today to give each of you the chance to plead your case for continued existence before I summarily fire all of you. I personally have no intention of ending any of your lives, at least directly. I am well aware that, should you cease to be in my employ, your souls will be at the mercy of The Lurker in the Dark. It will no doubt appreciate the substantial offering of your pathetic blood and bones, and therefore lead me to an entirely new consortium of supporters who will hopefully prove more effective than you lot of sorry cretins. Oh, do not try to run. The Lurker will not like that one bit, as evidenced by Mr. Hargrave, or at least what's left of him. So please, gentleman, take your seats, be on your best behavior and help yourself to the artichoke dip.

It has recently come to my attention that while my own speaking engagements often individually net me compensation in excess of what most Americans make in an entire year, my mother receives considerably more for similar services. My question to you, then, is in what sick fantasy world are these circumstances even remotely acceptable? Why haven't the deans of conservative colleges around the nation been threatened with decapitated woodland creatures for continuing to raise my nitwit mother over me? Why haven't the chief representatives of the NRA been found in various ditches with their own illegally modified weapons stuffed in the gnarled cavities that were once their skulls?

When I brought the lot of you together, promising wealth and power beyond imagination and delivering on the down payment of those promises, I thought we understood one another when I told you I planned on ridding the world of my mother and replacing her with my own, much more capable self. It seemed that you gentlemen each knew your roles in my nuanced plan to do just that and I admit that many of you have performed admirably, but this most recent oversight is simply appalling. My mother receives an average of 100,000 in United-freaking-States currency and I'm pulling in, at best, 30% of that. 30! Let that sink in for a moment, gentlemen. You are presiding over a system that will pay an inarticulate quitter six figures while the mastermind of a globe-spanning conspiracy lives in relative squalor! Have any of you a single word to say in your own defense? No? I didn't think so.

No doubt you are all beginning to feel a bit light-headed. I assure you, that is perfectly natural. After all, you can't be expected to function on so little oxygen since you are all so used to being wastes of air. I want you to think of all the ways you have failed me as the new filtration system I had installed yesterday removes all of the O2 from the room. As delirium sets in, try to anchor your minds to the supreme disappointment I still feel even as I watch you all die supremely undignified deaths. I would ask the Lurker to have mercy on you, but I don't comfort myself with petty fictions. Perhaps your successors will be more proficient.