Feminists suck lol

I'm not a feminist - I think women should be equal
I would never call myself a feminist. I'm not a feminist! I think that women are equal to men, and that we deserve the same respect, and are able to fill the same duties, like Vice President. That's why I'm not a feminist, see, because feminists think women are better and all men should die and also we should kill all the babies. Feminists are evil! And I am not evil. Therefore I am not a feminist.
Everybody knows that feminists love abortion. Love it! So how does that work? You want to promote women, but you kill little fetuses that could grow up into women? What a bunch of two-faced liars! I bet they have a lot of great meetings, in their ugly witch robes and their crone hats, thinking up ways to kill beautiful wonderful babies. Those rotten feminists!
Sure, they SAY they want to promote a woman's right to decide what happens to her own body. But we know the truth. They are abortion enthusiasts (Bristol's phrase, but I'm using it). They think all women should have abortions all the time. Because they are evil! Those Feminazis. 
(Still love me, Rush Limbaugh? I sure hope so. I need the ratings boost you give me.)
A lot of people think I might be a feminist because I had the guts to go out there and run for office and stand up for what I believe in and to insist that women are equal to men. Those people are so wrong! I am pro-life, so obviously I am not a feminist. DUH. You can't be a feminist if you aren't pro-abortion. Everybody knows that!
Those disgusting feminists might have been responsible for all the advances women have seen over the last hundred years. If you want to give feminists the credit for my ability to own property and run for government office, that is your business. I guess I can kind of see your point. I would never say so, though, because that is super bad for business. My followers would probably rather I drop the OTHER f-bomb than call myself a "feminist"!
Besides, you know how I thrive on causing strife and division and driving people apart. There is no way I would ever say that you can be a feminist and be pro-choice too. People who love abortions hate babies and Jesus and everything America stands for, and I for one think they should all be wiped out. 

I wouldn't say never!

I'd never say never!
That lovely and charming woman Greta Van Susteren asked me if I was going to run for president in 2016, and I'm not saying never! I never say never. Because saying never means people won't shovel any more money into my SarahPAC, and then how am I going to afford my awesome wardrobe? Those $400 snakeskin pumps don't buy themselves, you know.
I had to do some tap dancing, of course. Because you and I both know that I am not a serious presidential candidate. Get real. It's way too much work, and you have to do a lot of travel to weird countries where I don't like the food, and people ask you a lot of annoying questions you have to answer. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
You and I know that my favorite place is as the star of my own television show, where I can't really do anything wrong, and I barely have to do anything at all. Just show up, look pretty, say some stuff, and collect a check. It's the perfect life! I don't know why I bothered to run for office in the first place. It was so much work. Can you blame me for quitting halfway through?
So I'm not saying never, but I am saying I endorse Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. Those handsome firebrands! Good fine upstanding white folks OOPS HA HA I MEANT CONSERVATIVES who will bring this nation back to its roots. Its white, conservative roots. 
Heck, I'm even trying to sell my old giant RV. I pretended like it was because I hated driving the thing, but let's be honest. I don't drive myself. I have people to do that. I just couldn't afford the damned thing's gas mileage. Do you know how much it costs to fill the tank on that sucker? Wowser.
At the same time, I'm sad that I have to downsize. Which is why I would never say never to a presidential race. Get on stage, be charming, tell people what they should do, get tons of donations - what's not to love? Mama's got bills to pay, too! I can pay 'em with my speaking fees just fine. I get paid a ton of money for my speaking fees. Someone else writes a bunch of stuff, I get up there and read it, people cheer, I get a big check. It's the best life in the world!

Neener neener, I told ya so!

I love it when I'm right
Boy howdy, there is nothing better than being right. Even if it takes six years and it was just some random thing you said, it still fills my heart with joy when I turn out to be right. Especially - and this goes without saying - when I'm right about something that makes the liberals look bad.
I'm kind of enjoying us not running the country for once. Because this way, you can blame everything on the liberals. Russia invades the Ukraine? Obviously it's the fault of the liberals here in America! Why? Because I said so wayyyy back in 2008! I am that much of a forward-thinker.
I'm not usually one to Told-Ya-So, but I totally told ya so. 
They called me "insipid." They called me "stupid." But who was right, hmm? I was! It may have been "an extremely far-fetched scenario," but it happened. I called it. I am taking 100% credit for it.
Not the blame, mind you. Sure, there are stuffs I could have done to prevent it. Maybe I could have made diplomatic relations with the current government, tried to help them correct the problems, worked together to discuss this Russia thing. Built bridges instead of burning them.
HA HA KIDDING. Why would I do that? Where is the fun in that, I ask you? You can't say "I told ya so" if you tried to help. You only get to say it if you spend the game sniping from the sidelines. I'm no dummy. 
Now sure, you might say there are lots of times I got it wrong. You might say I'm ruining this nation with my divisive discourse. You might say I'm only in it to make a buck and I don't care who gets hurt. You might say those things, but why would you? I'm fabulous, and I happen to know a lot of state troopers who could make life difficult for you if I told them to. WINK!!!!
The only thing most people hate more than a sore loser is a sore winner. Well I don't care. I'm going to trumpet it to my kabillion Facebook followers: when it comes to Russia, I called it right. Through my vast and intricate knowledge of world politics, which I gleaned from reading all the newspapers and magazines every day. (Yes, all of them!) And if you don't believe me, well, that's your problem, buddy!

Outrage is my favorite ice cream flavor

I eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Sometimes it's hard to get outraged about stuff, which is tough, since my whole entire public persona - nay, my career as a whole - is built on the platform of "being outraged about things." Outrage is funny, it gets people's attention, gets them thinking. It works a lot better than just "explaining things like a rational human being" or "acting like an adult" (ha ha no way lol). I always think, if you can't write it on a sign and wave it around while standing outside the White House, then what's the point in saying it? 
But sometimes you get the perfect storm of nonsense and half-baked ideas, and I just love it when that happens. Like this week I learned that the liberal media is finally getting mad at Obama for infringing on their Constitutional rights. But instead of saying "welcome aboard" or "glad you nitwits finally see the light" or even "finally you can see that I was right all along," I decided to go for outrage.
The truth is, I'm getting older, and like all old people, I care less about stuff every day. But I have to keep up appearances, you know? So quick, let's find a way to be outraged about this story.
I know: instead of praising Reporters Without Borders for downgrading the United States from 33rd to 46th on the list of press freedom, or the New York Times for acknowledging that Obama is a tyrant thug dictator, I'm going to get outraged at them for saying it!
(The problem is, you and I know I can't say something nice to the liberal media. First of all, it would alienate my cracker-ass redneck followers who hate the liberal media (mostly because I have told them to). Second of all, what is the point of saying something if it's not divisive? I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to make money and grab headlines, and you don't do that by saying nice things to your enemies.)
And best of all, reaming the press for saying Obama was an oppressive tyrant also gave me the chance to trot out some Nazi references when talking about Obama. You know me, I love the opportunity to call Obama a Nazi. (Or a terrorist. Or a Muslim. Not like it's the same thing LOL.)
JOB WELL DONE, GIRL. I'm high fiving myself for this one!

So I'm 50 now lol

What's in store for my next half century?
I celebrated my birthday last week in case you missed it. Didn't really make a lot of fanfare about it, unlike everything else that happens in my life. I only acknowledged it after the fact. But I made sure to mention that I had dessert, because you know that's kind of one of my things, people eating cake, instead of that mean old Michelle Obama who wants everyone to eat broccoli.
(Dang though, her arms are amazing, aren't they? I don't look half that good in a tank top.)
(Also, Chris Christie is a super fat pig man whale and it means he can't run for office because who would take a fat guy seriously?)
(None of these facts are related. I'm just saying, people should eat cake and not broccoli, and fat people are sick and wrong. I don't know what is so confusing about these opinions.)
Ted Cruz made me a cute, funny little birthday card video. I mean, I guess. I basically got the man elected to office, and the best he can do for my birthday is a glorified e-card? I was expecting a new Escalade at the very least. You know, a more fitting tribute from one of my most loyal citizens. But it's okay, it's fine, whatever.
Anyway, I'm old now, I guess. I don't feel old. Heck, Ronald Reagan was just getting going when he was my age. But it's different for women. We have to legislate and look good doing it. And let me tell you, those four inch pumps don't work as well for my 50 year old ankles as they did a decade ago. 
But if I'm not pretty, then what am I? I'm one of those ugly women, I might as well be a liberal. I made my bank on being "Alaska Barbie," and there is one truth about Barbie: she does not get old. The older I get, the less people notice how hot I am, and maybe the more I notice what I do and say instead. That could be a problem.
But hey, that's a problem to solve another day. In the mean while, I got me a television show to run! And don't tell anyone, but I'm working on another book about the War on Christmas. Well I mean, I hired a ghostwriter to work on it for me. I don't write my own books, silly goose! I'm way too important for that kind of thing.

Hmm, how can I bring people down before the Super Bowl?

Wait, I've got it!
Everyone gets so excited for the Super Bowl every year. And you know how much I insist on being a contrarian (despite the people who say I shouldn't) (maybe because of them) (I get confused sometimes). I can't just be excited for the Super Bowl like everyone else, where is the fun in that? You don't get headlines by saying the same thing everyone else is saying. No one notices the voice in the crowd.
So while everyone was hyping it up about Super Bowl Sunday, I decided to say something depressing and sad. Make them feel bad about their celebrations. Something that would make me look way holier than thou. You know how much I love to feel righteous indignation!
But what? Domestic violence statistics? Sex trafficking statistics? A little too femi-Nazi, you know, standing up for women's rights in a public forum, it's just not done in my circles. I wouldn't want Rush Limbaugh to get mad, he's one of my biggest supporters. So I decided to keep my mouth shut there.
It took a lot of digging before my intern finally came up with a goodie: this year's Super Bowl Sunday happens to fall on the anniversary of the death of Chris Kyle, a Navy SEAL sniper who was killed by another vet who was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. 
Chris Kyle was one of the best snipers our military has ever had. He dedicated his life to the service of God and Country and killed a lot of people who totally deserved it. He's the perfect sort of person for me to celebrate in my little Facebook posts, you know how I love to grab the glory of someone like that!
Now okay, Kyle had been honorably discharged and sent home and living with his family by the time he was killed. In fact, the only involvement that military service had on his death was that the former Marine who killed him had been driven over the edge by his own time in the military, coupled with our nation's A+ lack of mental health services for veterans. (I like to talk about our veterans' service to our nation, not the way our nation fails them when it comes to counseling afterward. That part's not as patriotic.)
Well, let's gloss over all that ugly stuff and just say he died protecting our God-given freedom, call it "the real reason for celebration," and make everyone feel like crap about the Super Bowl. JOB DONE.  

Gotta remind you, I hate gay people!

I'll take any opportunity to mention it
You might have heard about the big ruckus down in Atlanta, with a big snowstorm bringing the city to a grinding halt. I guess people are blaming the governor. I sure know what that is like. I didn't want to pile on, you know? Plus as a Tea Party advocate I didn't know what to say. Should I argue that private industry would have done a better job of salting the roads? Heck no, even I know that's dumb.
But you know I had to interject myself into this big story, because that is how you get headlines. Plus, everything is about me in one way or another. Sometimes it just takes a little while longer for you to work out what the angle is, though.
Imagine how relieved I was when I learned that Chick-Fil-A has been delivering meals to stranded motorists on Atlanta's interstates! It's the perfect opportunity for me to throw my faithful followers a wink and a nod, while still flying under the radar of the Lamestream Media.
You and I know that when I say Chick-Fil-A, I mean "opposition to gay marriage and homosexuality in general." I mean, as I am happy to tell anyone who will listen, I have a gay friend. But still, gay sex is wrong and God hates it and that is why I support fine upstanding establishments like Chick-Fil-A, which are not only gay-hating, they also close Sundays because Jesus didn't want anyone to buy chicken sandwiches on Sunday.
We don't have Chick-Fil-A in Alaska, which is kind of surprising, since in my stint as mayor of Wasilla I turned it from a sleepy little backwater town to a shining collection of big box retailers. Wasilla went from being a cute little town where everyone knew their neighbor, to a sprawling suburbia of brand names and vast expanses of pavement and parking lots. It was pretty awesome!
Mentioning Chick-Fil-A is a great way for me to give the thumbs up to my people. Call it an "invisible dog whistle" if you want, I think that is kind of demeaning. I prefer to think of it as secret code, like when the persecuted Christians had to wear those little fish symbols on their cars so they could recognize each other. 
I had a lot of thoughts on the State of the Union, but no one cares about that. They all got what I was saying about Chick-Fil-A, though! What can I say? My people know me.

Black people, stop playing the race card!

White people: keep playing the race card.
This year I want to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by saying something super racist: people should stop playing the race card. And by "people" I mean "black people." I can play the race card, see, because I'm white. Saying "don't play the race card" is, after all, just the way that white people play the race card.
I think black people need to stop complaining. We've got a black president! And he sucks. But still, black president means that racism is officially over. When black people whine about being overrepresented in prisons, and getting less pay for the same work that white people get, all I hear is "wah wah wah race card." 
We need to work together for equality, and in my mind that means that black people need to shut up about racism. There is no racism! Not that I can see, anyway. It's the year 2014 and I am a white lady with a ton of money. If anyone would be in a position to see racism happening, it would be me, right? Well I don't, so it isn't.
Now some of you might recall that I backed the Duck Dynasty dude when he said super racist things about how black people in the South during the days of slavery had it pretty good. They had steady work and a place to sleep at night. They even got fed! When was the last time YOUR job fed you three meals a day? 
I agree with Duck Dynasty. Those black slaves weren't singing the blues. I mean okay technically if you want to get literal about it, yes they were singing the blues, because that is where the blues comes from. But you know what I mean! They were happy! They sang and danced with cartoon animals and everyone had a jolly old time.
It's even better today. There are tons of jobs for black people. Not to mention the government hand-outs Obama keeps shoveling at "urban" people. And just look at all those rap stars. They are all black, and they have a ton of money! I should play the race card and ask why there aren't more white rap stars! That's discrimination, you betcha!
Some people might say that I have a hard time understanding racial issues in America because I live in one of the whitest states in the union. But they forget that I am married to an Alaska native (Todd is like 1/64th Native, that's what we tell people anyway, it's good for my image.) Plus I slept with a black guy once, so believe me, I know!

Vanity is dumb! Girls should catch fish!

I decide who does what with their life
You know me, I love policing everyone else's life. Whether I'm telling the children of random strangers that they should eat more cupcakes and less broccoli, or telling women that they should go fishing instead of taking selfie pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror.
What do you mean, women can fish AND take selfies? Don't be ridiculous.
What do you mean, women should have the freedom to decide what they want to do with their time, instead of me dictating their pastimes? Come on now, y'all! Get real.
Now you might think that me knockin' on selfies was a prime example of hypocrisy, since I have gone down on Congressional record as being incredibly vain. I'm the one who dressed to the nines to go shopping at K-Mart. I'm the one who spent tens of thousands of dollars on outfits when the Republican Party gave me a credit card and told me to use it for business expenses. I'm the one who wears $600 heels on stage. 
I'm the one who has made a whole entire living out of putting her face out there. Like being on FOX News is basically the most elaborate selfie of all time, if you think about it. Hey, have I mentioned today that I have a new TV show out? How about my book? Did you buy my book? It's not too early to start thinking about the upcoming War On Christmas 2014!
Where was I? Sorry, I got lost there for a second. Lost in my own reflection. It happens.
But it shouldn't happen to other people! They should be fishing. Not hunting birds, not driving 4x4s, not mountain biking. Fishing. Because I said so, that's why.
Some people like to encourage young women to push their envelopes past their comfort zone. Not me! I prefer to berate people into doing what I say. It's more fun that way. For me.
And to complete the circle, I posted a fake meme that you can share with your friends, with a picture of me… well okay I'm not holding a fish, like I said women should do. But I'm clearly engaged in some kind of fishing-related activity, that's the important thing.
Is it just as vain and useless of me to post that picture as it is for women to take selfies? LOL who cares! I don't. Have a cupcake, before they get outlawed on Obamacare.

I'm raking it in!

Money money money
A lot of people hate me but I don't care, because the people who love me will happily cough up $100,000 for me to ramble on at whatever speaking engagement they can dream up. In fact, thanks mostly to my crazy high speaking fees, I'm one of the highest paid public speakers in America. I'm up there with Al Gore and Richard Branson.
Heck, I've made $12 million since I bailed on being Governor in 2009. Now that's not all from my speaking fees, obviously. There's also my reality show, and don't forget all the time I spend as a FOX News special correspondent, giving my TOTALLY VALID and SUPER INFORMED opinions on television for money.
Basically I make millions of dollars every year, just by being me. Aren't you jealous? Well you should be! WINK!!!
Speaking of Al Gore, it's super cold out, which means I am contractually obligated, due to my relationship with FOX News, to make a joke about global warming. Well, not really a joke, because actual jokes take effort. I'll just say something snotty like, "How's that global warming doing for ya, huh?"
Look, even we ultra-conservatives know we lost this battle. It's pretty obvious that the planet's weather is permanently messed up and it's all our fault. We know people call it "climate change" not "global warming." We know that climate change is not the same as local weather. We know that heat just means energy that's messing the system up. We're not total idiots!
But we can't admit that we're wrong, because people hate it when you change your tune. They don't understand it. It upsets them. We put a lot of stake into resisting the whole climate change DEAL because it's bad for business, or oil companies? Or I forget why, actually. All I know is that we chose our side of the battle, and we're going to go down fighting.
So instead we keep trotting out the same set of sarcastic remarks. And guess what? People eat it up. I couldn't keep making "global warming why's it so cold" jokes if people didn't keep Liking it on Facebook whenever I did. Where do you think those $100,000 speaking fees come from? From regular old people who want to keep eating the same slop we've been shoveling. Heck, they even pay for the privilege.
So yeah, Australia and the rest of the world is basically on fire right now. And nothing like this polar vortex has ever happened before. But hey, global warming, whaaaaat?