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Black people, stop playing the race card!

White people: keep playing the race card.
This year I want to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by saying something super racist: people should stop playing the race card. And by "people" I mean "black people." I can play the race card, see, because I'm white. Saying "don't play the race card" is, after all, just the way that white people play the race card.
I think black people need to stop complaining. We've got a black president! And he sucks. But still, black president means that racism is officially over. When black people whine about being overrepresented in prisons, and getting less pay for the same work that white people get, all I hear is "wah wah wah race card." 
We need to work together for equality, and in my mind that means that black people need to shut up about racism. There is no racism! Not that I can see, anyway. It's the year 2014 and I am a white lady with a ton of money. If anyone would be in a position to see racism happening, it would be me, right? Well I don't, so it isn't.
Now some of you might recall that I backed the Duck Dynasty dude when he said super racist things about how black people in the South during the days of slavery had it pretty good. They had steady work and a place to sleep at night. They even got fed! When was the last time YOUR job fed you three meals a day? 
I agree with Duck Dynasty. Those black slaves weren't singing the blues. I mean okay technically if you want to get literal about it, yes they were singing the blues, because that is where the blues comes from. But you know what I mean! They were happy! They sang and danced with cartoon animals and everyone had a jolly old time.
It's even better today. There are tons of jobs for black people. Not to mention the government hand-outs Obama keeps shoveling at "urban" people. And just look at all those rap stars. They are all black, and they have a ton of money! I should play the race card and ask why there aren't more white rap stars! That's discrimination, you betcha!
Some people might say that I have a hard time understanding racial issues in America because I live in one of the whitest states in the union. But they forget that I am married to an Alaska native (Todd is like 1/64th Native, that's what we tell people anyway, it's good for my image.) Plus I slept with a black guy once, so believe me, I know!