My New Year's resolutions

Happy 2014 y'all!
2014 is gonna be my year, I can feel it! I'm riding the wave of a total hit book about the War on Christmas and folks, I am pretty sure we won that war. I guess it doesn't matter though, because Christmas is over, so I'll have to put away that little hobby horse until next year.
 
On to the resolutions. Now obviously I'm perfect in God's eyes (and my own) so there is not really a whole lot I can do to improve things. But you gotta strive, right? 
 
1. Eat more meat
This is the one I'm touting a lot, because it makes liberals and vegans mad. And you know me, I am mostly a contrarian. I have very little to contribute on my own, I just like to troll people for ratings. And the best way to do that is champion meat. Meat meat meat!
 
2. Spend more time with racist homophobes
Them Duck Dynasty boys are good for my ratings! The Duck Dynasty "scandal" split our nation, and I'm standing firmly on the side of the nation that thought the Duck Dynasty guy had it right, saying homosexuals are evil and plantation slaves were happy, or whatever he said. I didn't really pay attention. I just saw my opportunity and I took it.
 
This again is all about me being a contrarian. See how that works? May sound silly but trust me, it gets me in the news. I know all about it.
 
3. Kill more stuff
Or at least, take more pictures of myself next to dead animals. I may be posing with a rifle next to a dead black bear, but am I really the one who shot it? I'll give you a hint: ha ha, no! The outdoors is muddy and I just bought these really nice shoes. I like to keep the rep, though, so I just fly out to pose with the kill. Liberals hate it.
 
4. Suck up more to FOX News
FOX News continues to be my biggest source of income and headlines. I love being cozy with FOX News and calling everyone else the "lamestream media." Like FOX News is some kind of underdog, fighting the good fight, like a pirate radio station or something. People love it. They eat that stuff up.
 
5. Tease another Presidential campaign
Every time I do, the money comes rolling into my war chest. And mama's got a lot of bills to pay, know what I mean? WINK!!!

I'm officially backing the racist homophobes

Don't look so shocked!
Now y'all know how much I love them Duck Dynasty fellers. I get my photo taken with them at every opportunity! They are the perfect example of "My People": super redneck and white and also super rich. Just what I want in a spokesperson!
 
Last week I'm sure you heard about the incredibly racist and homophobic things that the Duck Dynasty patriarch said in a magazine interview. And they got fired for it! 
 
Now okay, when that Martin Bashir guy said something mean about me, I called for him to get fired. But this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Because I said so, that's why. This right here, this is a free speech issue. (That wasn't. This is. Because I said so, that's why.)
 
We live in America! Where anyone can say anything they want! And also, I'm backing homophobia in general. Remember when I made it a point to eat at Chick-Fil-A and wear their shirt after their big homophobic thing? Same deal here.
 
Some of you are saying that "free speech doesn't mean you get to keep your job." And believe me, I know a thing or two about that! But firing Phil Robertson is tantamount to squashing free speech in this country. Believe me, first they fire Phil Robertson, next the jackbooted thugs are bashing in your door at 2AM because you didn't use the right word for the holidays.
 
No wait, I mean, don't use "happy holidays"! I forbid it! Everyone must say "Merry Christmas" or else you are destroying the very heart of America.
 
 
But this is totally different!
 
Oh man. Even I'm getting confused about what you are and aren't supposed to say. That's not the same as political correctness, though. Political correctness is when a liberal tells you what you can and can't say. Protecting the spirit of America is when I tell you what you can and can't say.
 
Some people thought that I should have distanced myself from ol' Phil's remarks. Like said something along the lines of, "I think what Phil said was wrong and desperately misinformed, but I support his right to say it." But come on, I don't deal in that kind of subtlety. One of my favorite people said something racist and bigoted, and I support them, end of story!
 
Besides, let's get real. You know who my followers are. Obviously they are in favor of racist and homophobic things. I'm just choosing sides, you know?
 

Taking the War on Christmas to public lands

Jingle all the way to nation-wide privatization!
I recently shared one of my favorite anecdotes on my Facebook page. You see, back in the 1930s - we had evil atheists fighting us even then - horrible mean no-good atheists tried to ban a cross that commemorated the sacrifices of our veterans. The cross was on public land, but come on, it was the middle of the Mojave desert. Who cares, right?
 
Sure, those Godless heathens and also the U. S. Government claimed that they were just trying to protect our public land from being turned into a private forest of displays and demonstrations and random memorials. Like I guess you're not supposed to just decorate federal land to your heart's content. WHATEVER. 
 
Priceless desert ecosystem, my sweet patootie! It was a war on Jesus, is what it was. Just because it didn't take place during Christmas, and didn't actually feature anything that was even remotely about Christmas, that won't keep me from using it as an anecdote in my "War on Christmas" archives. Nosirree.
 
I also used the phrase "tip of the spear." You like that? It's like "tip of the iceberg" but I used "spear" instead of "iceberg" so that you would think of Jesus, and His sacrifice. Some people might call it just another wacky Palinism, but I did this one on purpose, I swear. 
 
In the 1930s they solved the debate by selling that small patch of land to a private citizen, so that it wasn't public land anymore, and the owner could do whatever they wanted with it. I think that is a good solution for a lot of these battles in the War on Christmas: privatize the property!
 
After all, as you well know, I am already in favor of the increasing commercialization of Christmas, because all those expensive ad campaigns just promote the cause (of Christmas). Without commercialization, how would people even know it was Christmas? The commercialization of Jesus' birthday is the main factor keeping Christmas front and center and in our hearts. 
 
So it's just one small step to suggest that we privatize and commercialize everything. People complaining about Christmas carols in a public school? Sell the school! I bet you the Pepsi Elementary School wouldn't have a problem with religious-themed displays and Christmas carols. Heck, Pepsi pays a fortune for Christmas advertising already. They would probably just see it as another marketing coup. Win-win!

I got a new show, y'all!

I'm a rootin' tootin' outdoorswoman now for real!
Yep, you heard me: I got me a new outdoors show on the Sportsman Channel called "Amazing America." This weekly program will celebrate the "red, wild and blue" lifestyle, all of our great country's amazing wild and free animals, and how to shoot, gut, skin, and eat them. Yee haw!
 
Me and the Duck Dynasty fellows - you know I'm such a fan - we have developed a secret handshake. It's why I keep running into them in public and getting our picture took. We are working on forming a whole new American Illuminati, but with shotguns instead of big wicker owls. It's radical, dude!
 
The Sportsman Channel has ordered 12 episodes for the first season, and I predict that they will order many more, and that for the second season they will pay me one million dollars per episode. I mean that's the deal I tried to strike with Lifetime, $1 mill per episode for the second season. But those fools dropped me instead of pay out. The Sportsman Channel, now, I'm betting those fellas have much better sense.
 
Plus, who's going to argue with me? I can wear camo pants and tote a high-powered long-range rifle to our contract negotiations and just claim that I'm dressed for set!
 
I'm pretty stoked about this, not just because it keeps me in the public eye, or because it keeps the money rolling in (funds are getting low) but because it helps shine up my reputation as the nation's first and foremost Redneck Mama. I may be turning leathery in my old age, but I can still shoot an empty beer can with the best of 'em!
 
Between you and me, I'm also looking forward to rehabilitating my image as a sportswoman. I mean, after that debacle in my Lifetime show when I couldn't shoot a caribou to save my soul, and my dad had to shoot it for me. That was not my finest moment. I don't know why I agreed to let it roll on camera. I have been trying to put it behind me for years, like that Thanksgiving turkey massacre debacle. 
 
Well I'll tell you, this year not only am I not pardoning any turkeys because I'm not governor, I'll be hunting them instead! Or well, hosting a show where other people hunt them. I like taking photo opps on hunting trips, but the actual hunting? It's really boring and dirty and you get crappy cell phone reception so there's no texting. I'll be happy to be hosting from the comfort of a studio equipped with a full hair and makeup team!

Escalating the War on Christmas

Have a holly jolly kick in the shins!
I love this time of year. I get to be both sanctimonious and really mean. What's not to like?
 
It's the War on Christmas, and I am taking up jingle bell arms against the enemy. Those Grinches who want to turn our nation away from Christ by taking the Jesus out of the season. You know: the ones who say that school kids shouldn't sing religious songs at school. Separation of church and state, my sweet white patootie!
 
I absolutely believe that Muslim and Jewish and I don't know, Buddhist or whatever, that kids from families of other faiths should be forced to sing Christmas songs. Wanna know why? Because it is Christmas, that's why!
 
Forget this "holiday" nonsense. Sure people say that the phrase "happy holidays" means "all of the holidays at the end of the year including Christmas." But I say, stuff your inclusivity where the sun don't shine! Christmas shouldn't be "included with other religions." It should be "supreme among them, trampling all of them before it, acknowledging no other holidays." 
 
I mean, isn't that the point of celebrating the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Even if your kid is like Jewish or Hindu or some other crazy religion, they should still celebrate the birth of Christ. Because Christ is that kid's savior, whether or not that kid realizes it right now.
 
So what if I don't really know what a menorah is for. That's not the point. The point is, I plunk one on the dining room table for December as a gesture in the direction of the Jews. It makes me look good. It's pretty, too. With the candles? I wouldn't have any ugly stuff on my table, you better believe it!
 
As for the idea that maybe non-Christians aren't comfortable with the government telling them to celebrate Christmas, I say: DUH. This is a Christian nation, and if you don't like it, you should get out. End of story. Our government isn't doing enough to promote Christianity, and that's part of why our nation is heading in its wrong direction. 
 
Luckily we have the commercialization of Christmas, which helps spread the word far and wide. The word about savings! And jolliness! And also Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It's a win-win!
 
Anyway, don't you dare say "happy holidays" to me, or I will punch you right in the mouth. This may seem extreme, but I am not kidding, people: there's a war on! And it's a war for Jesus. So everybody better get on board, or who knows what will happen. 

That Cher wants to start a war?

I'll give her a war!
Miss Cher, queen diva of the 70s, called me a pretty nasty word on Twitter. Well, she didn't actually call me the word. She called me "the C word," meaning she didn't actually say it. But that's okay, I can read between the lines. I'm not THAT dumb, lol!
 
I decided not to say anything about it. You know, take the high road. But that didn't stop me from telling all my followers to read a Facebook post by my dad, taking little miss Cher to task. You go, dad! No, I did not tell him to post that. No, I didn't sic him on her. No, I'm not telling my followers to start a Twitter war with Cher. WINK!!!!
 
Look, everybody is entitled to their opinions. Except their opinions about religion, which are super wrong, unless they are Christians who believe that America is a Christian nation and we should push God and the baby Jesus into every corner of American life ESPECIALLY SCHOOL. In that case their opinions are right. But everyone else is dead wrong, and that includes that godless woman Cher.
 
Like that liberal freak Pope Francis. I apologized for saying I was "taken aback" by that stuff he said, but we all know I didn't really mean it. I didn't apologize for what I said, I just apologized for having said it. Obviously I think the Pope is not only too liberal, he's also wrong. I don't care if he's the Pope! The point is, I know what God wants, and it's not liberalism!
 
People tell me, "Sarah, there's no war against Christmas. Christmas is all up in our face 24/7 from Halloween to New Year's. It is literally everywhere. If there is a war, then Christmas is the one who is winning that war." But they are wrong, and liberal freaks like Cher and the Pope are proof of that!
 
Not to mention that fat Chris Christie dude. We can't have a fat President! It's ridiculous even to contemplate. Because HE'S FAT. A lot of people said we couldn't have a woman President, and I obviously didn't believe them, I think that is a lot of prejudiced BS. But this thing about Christie being fat, that's different.
 
War on Christmas? Heck, it's a war on Sarah! But I'll tell you what, I'm gonna come out guns ablazin'. I mean, metaphorically speaking, obviously I do not condone violence, except that I totally condone killing animals. That's different, that's just good clean fun!
 

Why isn't this racist? Because I said so!

Case closed!
Look, I'm not racist, but Obama is trying to sell us into slavery, I assume - one presumes - as retributions for that ugly little incident in America's past. The long-ago past! I don't know why he's not over it. Anyway, I would never say it out loud, but I know that you all know what I mean when I compare Obamacare and the federal debt to slavery.
 
This isn't racist, we're selling our children into shackles! To China! It's not racist because - as you will note - I very carefully pointed out that it wasn't racist before I said it. Case closed!
 
Honestly I don't worry too much about saying racist stuff. All my followers are pretty darned white, if you hadn't noticed. I get to have the "Equality and Tolerance" box checked on my card because Todd is a Native Alaskan. But he isn't really. I mean, he's like one 87th Inuit or something. So it's like the best of both worlds! I get that conversational trump card, AND I married a white guy.
 
Yes well, that thing about the basketball player. That comes up a lot. It's just more proof about how racist I'm not! I slept with a black dude! Maybe. It's still just a rumor I'm never going to confirm, but I feel like it bolsters me against those liberals who get mad when I make blood libel references and slavery references. 
 
They call me tone deaf. Well I say they are the tone deaf ones! Where's the White Entertainment Network? (And don't tell me "that is literally every other network on television." Even if it's true, you're not getting my point.)
 
China is going to haul all our children off in shackles as slaves because of the federal debt, and it's a black man who's selling us into slavery. Ironic? Maybe the ultimate irony? Or is it something more sinister? I'm not going to say. I'm just going to make the analogy and then let you draw your own conclusions. (But I'm pretty sure what conclusions my white bred redneck hillbilly followers are going to draw, oh yes I am!)
 
Anyway, who cares? I'm too busy fighting in the front lines of the War on Christmas. My new book is out, and I'm on tour, and I was on one of those morning shows and everything! I have discovered that the best answer to a hard question is to just keep talking about whatever you want until the interviewer gets tired. Case closed!

Obama, save this man! DO MY BIDDING.

But he won't because YOU KNOW.
Y'all know I love to stir up my people. I like to do it all subtle-like, but boy do I know how to push their buttons. Just mentioning Obama, religion, and Iran (or any Muslim country, you know the kind, the ones with dark people) at the same time and my followers are guaranteed to flip out. I didn't even have to fall back on that lazy trick of calling him "Barack HUSSEIN Obama"! They know what I mean.
 
I also love making the president look bad by asking him to do something that I know he won't do. It's like a win-win for me! I get to look like the nice person, because I'm the one asking for help and justice and all that holy stuff. And Obama looks bad because he refuses to help the person (I guess he's busy running the country or something, LOL I DUNNO), and it's just one more thing he doesn't do. Along with all that other hope-y, change-y stuff he didn't do!
 
With Christmas coming up, I have been pivoting to reposition myself as a religious leader. Have you noticed? It's been pretty subtle, but it started with my book about the War on Christmas and how we should all be more loudly Christian. Now that I'm promoting it, I'm at full steam on this Jesus thing.
 
Also, someone pointed out to me that you don't have to keep running for office if you're a religious leader. You just, like, ARE. And all you have to do is go on television! I can go on television! I love to go on television! I hate actually doing stuff and making plans and sitting in meetings, but I love to go on television.
 
So the thing this week is all about a U. S. Citizen (I like to capitalize "Citizen" it makes it sound more important) who is being held in an Iranian prison, and who will probably get the death sentence. Well I mean, Bristol is the one who wrote the article, but I'm kind of piggybacking on it. She's basically my sock puppet. (Don't tell Bristol I said that LOL.)
 
Pastor Saeed got eight years in prison just for being a Christian. Isn't that scary? And I'll tell you, that's the way things are going to be in America in a few years if we Christians don't take back our right to religiously freedom! Read my book and I'll tell ya all about it. Buy it, read it, love it!
 

Why just say "no thanks" when you can be weirdly aggressive?

My menacing reply to Piers Morgan
That horrible little man Piers Morgan is trying to get me to come on his show. I guess because he's into that Lamestream Media "gotcha journalism" where they love to ask you a bunch of trick questions like "What do you think about Bush's stance on Syria?" or "Which newspapers do you read?"
 
He retweeted a dumb thing about me that was said by a parody site, and I don't know if he was kidding or if he really thought it was true, but it made me angry anyway. Which is why when he asked me on his show, I responded with a picture of a dead bear. I mean, obviously, right?
 
I think the best way for any public figure, aspiring politician, and dedicated Christian to decline a request for an interview is by sending a picture of yourself with a huge dead animal. It really gets the message across! I'm not sure which message exactly. But I bet it got across!
 
I scrawled my message over the dead bear's bloody face, because I do have some standards of decency. Even though I think more Americans should learn where their food comes from. We're so divorced from the land, from the Earth that nurtures us, and from all of God's works, which I love to hunt and kill. 
 
Well okay, I guess no one eats black bears. In fact they are kind of a pest species in Alaska. But more people need to learn where their trophy rugs come from! 
 
Personally, I like to hunt bear because it helps keep their population down. You see, that's the thing about God and Mother Nature: they don't really know how many animals are best in any given area. They keep screwing up the math! So it's important for human beings to get in there and thin out the population. Balance out the books, you know? Also it's fun to kill things, and it gives the liberals conniptions, so that's always good.
 
I mean, I talk a lot about filling my freezer and feeding my family and all. But we know that's a crock of nonsense. I'm a multi-millionaire! I live in a huge mansion! I feed my family by foraging at Costco. That's just lip service I like to pay so that my constituency (poor white folks who hate the government and colored people) think I'm just like them. (As if!)
 

So I don't know what a DVD player is! Big deal!

Being correct about facts is overrated
Today I posted this adorable picture of my son Trig who dozed off while watching Veggie Tales. And in my defense, I just don't give a rip. But okay, so I said that he was "slumbering on his DVD player" when - as about a million people pointed out - but not any of my faithful followers - because I delete all the trolls - it wasn't a DVD player. In fact, it was pretty clearly an iPad. 
 
Also, Trig is totally faking sleep, and he's not doing a very good job of it. What can I say? I was posing him for the photo op. You do what you can with that kid. I carried him around during the presidential campaign like a flag I was waving to signal that I had a heart, and was human, and also opposed to abortion in the strongest possible terms. Trig is basically the living proof of the political beliefs that I espouse in order to keep making bank.
 
But he's a terrible actor.
 
I mean, for one thing, what kid falls asleep with both his hands folded under his cheek like a gosh darned Precious Moments figurine. I don't know whose idea that was, his handlers' or the photographer, but man, it's terrible. For another thing, you can tell he's holding his head up. It's not resting on the screen. He isn't using a pillow. He's just lying there holding his head up.
 
Besides, even I'm not such a crappy mom that I would let my young child fall asleep wearing a hooded sweatshirt.
 
So the fact that I for some unknown reason didn't know or bother to make the distinction between a DVD player and an iPad is frankly the least thing wrong with this picture. 
 
Who cares if an iPad doesn't have a DVD drive! Who cares if I guess I use the term "DVD" to indicate "movie" (or more to the point, "endless series of direct-to-video Christian cartoons"). It's a thing that he's watching while pretending to be asleep, that's the important part.
 
And I hope you didn't miss the clashing animal prints! Stylin, right? I did up Trig's room so that it looked like the boudoir of one of the Real Housewives. I think he likes it. I mean, I don't really care, but I like it, so that's the important thing. 
 
Besides, who cares if I'm right about stuff? It's my personal Facebook page. Why should I bother fact-checking it or correcting it if I'm wrong? Being correct about stuff is so overrated!
 

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